Spam I Am - Money, Terrorism and the FBI

Trey Smith

Like everyone else who does email, I receive spam. Some of it is offensive. Some of it is annoying. And some of it is funny, though I don't think that is the intent. I've decided to share some of it with you periodically in a feature I call, Spam I Am.

What follows is one of the oddest scams I've seen in a long time. As with a lot of spam, it isn't written very well. Be that as it may, I must give the author a few plaudits because he or she attempted to weave together the all too familiar "millions of dollars from Nigeria" with two hot button issues: Terrorism and spying (of the FBI).

I suppose some poor sap out there will fall for this poorly worded gambit, but a person would have to be extremely gullible to take such nonsense seriously. With that as an introduction, here ya go. (Just let me note that the original email message was, indeed, in bold type.)

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division

FBI Headquarters In Washington ,
D.C. Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building 935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington , D.C. 20535-0001 )

ATTENTION FUND BENEFICIARY,

This is an official advice from the F.B.I foreign Operation Unit, it has come to our notice that the C.B.N Bank Nigeria district has released 10,500,000.00 US dollars into bank of America in your name as the beneficiary, by inheritance means.

The C.B.N Bank Nigeria knowing fully well that they do not have Enough facilities to effect this payment from the united kingdom to your account, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (S.T.D.P) to pay this fund through wire transfer, they used this means to complete the payment.

They are still, waiting for confirmation from you on the already Transferred funds which were made in direct transfer so that they can do final crediting to your account. Secret diplomatic payments are not made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities why must your payment be made in secret transfer, if your transaction is legitimate, if you are not a terrorist, then why did you not receive the money directly into your account; this is a pure coded, means of payment? Records which we have had with this method of payment in the past Has always been related to terrorist acts, we do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your account in the U.S.A, so it is our duty as a world wide commission to correct this little problem before this fund will be credited into your personal account.

Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary security by the American authorities when funds come from outside of Europe, and the Middle East, the FBI bank commission for Europe has stopped the transfer on its way to deliver payment of $10,500,000.00 to debit your reserve account and pay you through a secured diplomatic transit account (S.D.T.A). We govern and oversee funds transfer for the World Bank and the rest of the world. We advice you contact us immediately, as the funds have been Stopped and are being held in our custody, until you can be able to provide us with a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer (DIST) within 3 days from the world local bank that authorize the transfer from where the funds was transferred from to certify that the funds that you are about to receive from Nigeria are antiterrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to cross and impound the Payment, we shall release the funds immediately we receive this legal documents.
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We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper Verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the amount involve, we want to make sure is a clean and legal money you are about to receive. Be informed that the fund are now in United State in your name, but right now we have ask the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we ask them to do so, because we have to carry out our investigations first before releasing the fund to you. Note that the fund is in the BANK OF AMERICA right now, but we have ask them not to credit the fund to you yet, because we need a solid proof and Verifications from you before releasing the funds. So to this regards you are to re-assure and proof to us that what you are about to receive is a clean money by sending to us FBI Identification Record and also Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) to satisfy to us that the money your about to receiv e is legitimate and real money,

These Documents are to be issued to you from the World Local Bank that Authorized the transfer, so get back to us immediately if you don't have the document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the document in United Kingdom (U.K), because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by (H.S.B.C) Bank in London. An FBI Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History Record or Rap Sheet, is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions retained by the FBI in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment, naturalization, or military service.
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Final Instruction;
1. Credit payment instruction: irrevocable credit guarantee.
2. Beneficiary has full power when validation is cleared.
3. Beneficiaries bank in U.S.A. , can only release funds.
4. Upon confirmation from the world bank / united nations.
5. Bearers must clear bank protocol and validation request.
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NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety, welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you with the FBI and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimate of the fund you are about to receive. The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review. The FBI Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S.A. An individual may request a copy of his or her own FBI Identification Record for personal review or to challenge information on the Record. Other reasons an individual may request a copy of his or her own Identification Record may include international adoption or to s
FBI Director Foreign Operation Unit,
James T. Burton

Spam I Am - You Had Me at Dearest

Trey Smith

Like everyone else who does email, I receive spam. Some of it is offensive. Some of it is annoying. And some of it is funny, though I don't think that is the intent. I've decided to share some of it with you periodically in a feature I call, Spam I Am.

Usually in these posts, I share a specific email and then poke fun at it. This post, however, is not about one specific example of spam; it is about a pattern I have noticed. I don't know how many emails I receive each week that start with the word, dearest, in the introduction (e.g., My dearest, Dearest One, Dearest Friend, etc.).

Dearest means loved and cherished, greatly valued, precious and affectionate. It is a word generally reserved for someone you have close or intimate relationship with. The very fact that a complete stranger would choose to use such a word as a form of salutation is a big tip off that the email itself is spam! This is especially true when the sender doesn't even appear to know your actual name!

My guess is that the spammers who choose this word are not American English speakers. They think that the use of this word will soften people up, but what moron would fall for such a thing? I suppose that's a rhetorical question because some people must fall for it or else it wouldn't be such a common practice.

For me, however, if I see the word, dearest, in the salutation, I immediately mark the message as spam and send it to my spam folder. I don't need to read ANYTHING else. The only people I can think of who might use that word in earnest are my mother (she's been dead for 21years!) and my wife. Though it is not a word that Della typically uses, if she did use it, it would be more likely that she would say it to my face, not write it in an email.

Spam I Am - 20 Units

Trey Smith

Like everyone else who does email, I receive spam. Some of it is offensive. Some of it is annoying. And some of it is funny, though I don't think that is the intent. I've decided to share some of it with you periodically in a feature I call, Spam I Am.

This morning I received one of the oddest emails that I have received in a long time. It was terse and to the point. It didn't contain any misspellings or poor punctuation. As far as I can discern, there are no redirected links or infected attachments. And it was sent specifically to me, not some long list of people I have never heard of. Maybe it's not spam at all. Maybe the sender simply was confused and sent it to the wrong person!

Please have someone contact me about volume discounts. I am interested in purchasing at least 20 units this week.

Jim Stephenson

Twenty units of what? I don't have the faintest of clues.

So, I've spent some time today trying to figure out what I could send Jim in a multiple of twenty or, more to the point, what I might have that would fit the volume request.

As I continue my work of downsizing, I've come across 20 assorted writing pens. I have loads more than 20 pieces of scrap paper. I'm sure that I have at least 20 frozen blueberries or strawberries in my freezer. And I certainly have more than 20 books headed for the local thrift store.

Too bad he didn't provide an address!

Spam I Am - Are You a Terrorist?

Trey Smith

Like everyone else who does email, I receive spam. Some of it is offensive. Some of it is annoying. And some of it is funny, though I don't think that is the intent. I've decided to share some of it with you periodically in a feature I call, Spam I Am.

There are so many things wrong with the following email that it would take hours to go through them all. Just note the lack of capitalization to start sentences or the informal manner of the text. Of course, in our hyped up world of fear mongering, I have no doubts that some people will fall for emails of this nature.

Me? I think it's quite hilarious.

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
Ref: FBI/DC/25/113/13/2012
https://www.fbi.gov

Urgent attention needed

We have been informed through our global intelligence monitoring network that the sum of $10.500, 000.00, has been released from a bank in Africa bearing your name as the beneficiary without dist certificate to clear your name and fund from every terrorist or drug or money laundering activities

The bank knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to make this payment from any part of the world to your account directly, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) method to make the payment. direct transfers are difficult and secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) are not usually made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities and we ask why must your payment be made in a secret transfer if your transaction is legitimate.

We do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your personal account, so it is our duty as an international agency to correct these little problems before this fund reflects into your personal account.

we advice you to contact us immediately, as your funds have been stopped and are being held in our custody, until you are able to provide us with the dist certificate within 3 days from the country that authorized the transfer to certify that the funds that you are about to receive are terrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to impound the payment and subsequently prosecute you for cross border terrorist financial activites.

based on our findings, our investigative department wish to warn you against some miscreants, hoodlums and touts who go about scamming innocent people by claiming to be who they are not and thereby tarnishing the image of this wonderful country. By sending out fraudulent emails without our official logo and emblem we shall release your funds immediately we receive this legal document and we will ensure that you receive your payment without any further delay.

Note

We decided to contact you directly by email to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the huge amount involved. Be informed that the funds are now with a top bank in the united state in your name and under the monitoring/custody of the FBI. At the moment, we have asked the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we instruct them to do so, and only if we receive the dist certificate this is to enable us carry out a comprehensive investigation first before releasing the fund to you.

hence, you are to forward your dist certificate to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you do not have it, then let us know so that we will direct you to the appropriate authority to obtain the certificate then you are to send it to our office. And thereafter, we will instruct the bank holding the funds, to go ahead and credit your account immediately. If you fail to provide the documents to this office, we will prosecute you and take appropriate action against you for not proving the legality of the funds.

Finally if you truly want to receive this funds without F.B.I troubles then reconfirm the following below

Name………………………………………………….
Address………………………………………………..
Sex………………………………………………………
Contact number………………………………………..
Country of origin of funds……………………………..

Yours Faithfully
SPECIAL AGENT JUKE WILLIAMS
FOR FBI DIRECTOR
MR. ROBERT S. MUELLER.

Spam I Am - Comma Chameleon

Trey Smith

Like everyone else who does email, I receive spam. Some of it is offensive. Some of it is annoying. And some of it is funny, though I don't think that is the intent. I've decided to share some of it with you periodically in a feature I call, Spam I Am.

One of the best ways to determine if an email is spam is through the misuse (or lack of use) of punctuation. In particular, the lowly comma (,) often is not utilized where it should be or, as in the case below, it is placed in sentences where it should not be.

Your ACH transaction abilities have been provisionally disabled in order to ensure your security, because your security version expired. Please save and install the most recent installations, by clicking this link.

As soon as update being installed, your account transactions will be entirely recovered.

In the first paragraph, there is no grammatical reason to place a comma before the words because and by. Not only is a comma not needed in these two instances, but it makes both sentences look strangely out of kilter.

This is not to suggest that non-spam email always is perfectly punctuated. Most of us have forgotten many of the lessons we learned in grade school. The difference, however, is that most of our punctuation mistakes aren't so glaring. In the case above, even if you were not an English major in college, it should be apparent that those two commas shouldn't be where they are!

Spam I Am - My Undying Love

Trey Smith

Like everyone else who does email, I receive spam. Some of it is offensive. Some of it is annoying. And some of it is funny, though I don't think that is the intent. I've decided to share some of it with you periodically in a feature I call, Spam I Am.

Everybody wants to be loved. It's one of the few universal things you can say about Homo Sapiens. So, you might understand my excitement when I received the following message last night:

I am consumed by my love for you. I cannot contain it anymore. I have to let you know how I feel. I have sent you an eCard to let you realize how I feel.

Gosh, to be the object of someone's affection! How cool is that?

I was getting goosebumps...until I noticed that the email was not addressed to me! No, it was blind cc'ed to me. What rational person would blind cc a message of undying love to someone?

Oh well, my wife still loves me! ;-)

Spam I Am - Gibberish

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Spam I Am - It's All About Size

Trey Smith

Like everyone else who does email, I receive spam. Some of it is offensive. Some of it is annoying. And some of it is funny, though I don't think that is the intent. I've decided to share some of it with you periodically in a feature I call, Spam I Am.

In western society -- particularly here in the US -- size matters. Yes, the B-I-G-G-E-R the B-E-T-T-E-R! A big car tells people you are strong and powerful. A big diamond on your engagement ring means you are a great catch. A big house means you've made it to the big time. A big salary means you are indispensable. A big burger or steak means you work hard and so you need big food to be fed.

If you are a male, the best way to prove that you have the machismo that matters is to have a BIG, BIG...penis?

MaxGentleman Enlargement Pills have been featured across major media outlets around the world, including ESP and Fox News, with dozens of positive reviews.

This is the only Male enlargement supplement that has been PROVEN in clinical trials to enlarge your penis safely, quickly, and importantly PERMANENTLY.

Here were the results in 5,000 randomized male subjects who took MaxGentleman for 6 months:

• Increase in penis length by 1-3 inches
• Increase in penis width by 20%.
• Aids in preventing Premature Ejaculation.
• Achieved longer, rock hard erections
• All gains in penis length and width were 100% permanent...

You know, one of the impacts of being an individual with Klinefelter's Syndrome is that I'm a bit undersized in a particular area. So, a person might think that ads of this nature would, at the very least, pique my interest.

Sorry to disappoint, but I simply laugh at this kind of spam! I take a rather Taoist approach to myself -- I am what I am. Some parts of me may be a bit larger than the norm (i.e., my nose and ears) and some parts of me are bit smaller than the norm (i.e., ahem). While size is one way to adjudge something, it's certainly not the only way.

In my book -- fortunately, my wife agrees! -- quality matters more than size.

Spam I Am - Your Tax Return

Like everyone else who does email, I receive spam. Some of it is offensive. Some of it is annoying. And some of it is funny, though I don't think that is the intent. I've decided to share some of it with you periodically in a feature I call, Spam I Am.

Notice: CP01H
Tax year: 2011
Notice date: Sun, 9 Oct 2011 19:00:18 +0100
Page 1 of 1

Important information about your tax return
We are unable to process your tax return

We received your tax return. However, we are unable to process the return as filed.

Our records indicate that the person identified as the primary taxpayer or spouse on the tax return was deceased prior to the tax year shown on the tax form. Our records are based on information received from the Social Security Administration.

Based on this information, the tax account for this individual has been locked.

What you need to do

Visit review page on irs.gov [It's a bogus link, of course]
Keep this notice for your records.

For starters, I've NEVER been contacted by the IRS over the internet, even though I have supplied them with my email address. Second, the IRS would never utilize a nondescript "you" to identify the tax return in question. They would use a person's name and their social security or tax id number. Third, while government forms aren't known for utilizing the best English phraseology, my experience has been that their sentence structure tends to be too long and unwieldy, not short and choppy.

Yet, for these obvious flaws, this kind of an email MIGHT pull in a bunch of dupes except for one glaring problem: the timing! Most people file their tax return from February to April and receive their tax refund no later than June. While it is true that some folks file extensions, the vast majority of such people OWE tax and are trying to put off paying as long as possible.

So, from the strict standpoint of a spammer, this is a good strategy applied at the wrong time of year.

Spam I Am - Health Coaching

Like everyone else who does email, I receive spam. Some of it is offensive. Some of it is annoying. And some of it is funny, though I don't think that is the intent. I've decided to share some of it with you periodically in a new feature I call, Spam I Am.

Greetings,

Oooh, that's so personal. I feel special already.

I am very happy to announce that I have arranged for you to attend a special complimentary teleconference call/webinar that we think you will enjoy.

How did "I" turn into "we?"

This event will introduce you to the new world of Health Coaching as a part time or full time career.

I love new worlds. I just got back from Uranus.

This 60-minute call/webinar will include an actual real time coaching demonstration with a volunteer. You will also see a web-based software program that allows almost anyone to conduct powerful results-driven health coaching….even without a medical background.

Ooh, an actual demonstration...as opposed to what other kind? Why a volunteer? Why not full-time paid Health Coach?

If I were to go looking for a Health Coach, I certainly would want one without a medical background! Doctor shmockter.

Imagine being able to coach hundreds of clients at one time while providing powerful and measurable results. This could be the perfect referral business for you. And best of all, this kind of coaching can all be done over the telephone and Internet using the same unique software program currently being used by Google, Motorola and United HealthCare.

Aah yes. Hundreds of clients at once. Providing the best in impersonal service!

Reserve your spot right now for this complimentary lesson. The time will never be better than now to make a difference and earn a professional income on your own terms in healthcare.

Um, no.