News Flash: Cheney, Rumsfeld Reluctantly Come Clean

Former Vice President Dick Cheney and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld sat down with our Chet Bumpkiss to talk about the 10-year anniversary of the invasion of Iraq.

Bumpkiss: It has been 10 years since President Bush ordered the invasion of Iraq. Many people now believe that we were led into war under false pretenses. What do you have to say about that?
Cheney: It's true that a lot of the information we provided to the American people was false...
Bumpkiss: Purposely false?
Rumsfeld: Yes.
Bumpkiss: So, in other words, you lied?
Cheney: Lying is such a harsh word. Let's just agree that we were less than truthful.
Rumsfeld: I like to think it's more that we told a few fibs.
Bumpkiss: However you wish to say it, you are now admitting you were dishonest?
Cheney: There you go again -- using harsh words.
Rumsfeld: When I think of dishonesty, I think of all those scientists who talk about "global warming."
Bumpkiss: But climate change is based on science. Your lies were based on self-interest.
Rumsfeld: Okay, fine. We lied through our teeth. Satisfied?
Bumpkiss: A lot of people believe you lied because you wanted to get your hands on Iraqi oil. Is this true?
Cheney: Of course, it was about oil. Even a 5 year old could figure that out!
Rumsfeld: Yes, it was about oil, but it was about a lot more than that.
Bumpkiss: Like what?
Rumsfeld: Oh, come on now. You can't be that dense! It was about pilfering the federal treasury on behalf of our corporate friends.
Cheney: Yes. If you blow up a country, someone has to "rebuild" it.
Bumpkiss: But a lot of the work was shoddy or not delivered at all.
Cheney: Of course not! We weren't interested in rebuilding anything. It simply was a strategy to award multimillion dollar contracts to already wealthy corporations.
Bumpkiss: So, the Bush administration led us into war based on lies and this was done to funnel public money to your corporate cronies?
Rumsfeld: I don't like the way you're phrasing it...but yes. That's the basic gist of it.

When reached at his Texas ranch for comment later in the day, former President George W. Bush agreed with what Cheney and Rumsfeld had admitted. "If they said it," remarked Bush, "then it must true. The grill is hot.  Want some ribs?"