Monday, November 28, 2011

How I Became Immortal and Saved the Cosmos from Mindless Bliss

How I Became Immortal and Saved the Cosmos from Mindless Bliss
by Scott Bradley

You have no doubt heard of people who remember their past lives. Not only am I among them, I am unique among them. I always remember my previous lives. Admittedly, after awhile they all start to merge together, and of some among the tens of thousands I can no longer recall much of anything at all. But the important thing is that I know I've had them, and more importantly, I know I will always have more! I am immortal!

The trick, you see, is to always accumulate just the right amount of bad karma to remain in the wheel of birth and rebirth. Too much, and you have to be a snake or worm for a few kalapas. But even then, the time goes by pretty fast since you are altogether unaware of it. Too little, and...well, you've heard of the mindless bliss of nirvana. This is to be avoided at all costs!

Needless to say, my carefully planned immortality does not endear me to the vast multitudes of buddhas and bodhisattvas, as many as the sands of infinite Ganges’, waiting on the very cusp of mindless bliss for this final recalcitrant sentient being to join them for the final leap. But what can they do?! Forcibly enlighten me? I understand their frustration. Innumerable kalapas in limbo must wear on the soul. But that was their choice. I choose existence. I choose life!

Yes, existence means suffering. And God knows I've suffered. But, frankly, I still think it beats the alternative. And the worst suffering must surely be the fear of death, and I lost that way back in my caveman days. So, it's not so bad, really. And there are lots of good times.

You may be wondering how it is that I alone am seen as holding up the show, given my 6 billion odd fellow unenlightened beings. Well, we are the very dregs of the cosmos, don't you know; countless trillions have already moved on. (Now you know why we are such a mess.) The Multiverse is pretty much closed down now. There's only this universe left and one other whose souls are being transmigrated here. (How else do you think the population grows? Where else would all these ‘new’ souls come from?) This is the final push. The Age of Aquarius is dawning. So, your enlightenment is, relatively speaking, just around the corner. But mine will never come. And thus do I save the Cosmos from mindless bliss! And give you immortality!

I am the Sittrivittrivalomapatma, The Great Stick in the Spokes of the Dharma Wheel. I am The Great Hold-Out, the Absolute Distillation of All Yang. And when every other sentient being has finally joined together in surrender to Absolute Yin, it is I who will cause the Vast Explosion which starts the Multiverse all over again. How do I know? I’ve done it infinite times before.

(For information on where to send your tax deductible love-offerings and worshipful-donations visit us at (alloneword): P.S. We have an immediate opening for First Mate. We honor veteran lingerie models.)

You can check out Scott's other miscellaneous writings here.


  1. This post was better than sex!

  2. "Innumerable kalapas in limbo must wear on the soul."

    I think you mean kalpas (measures of time) not kalapas (units of matter). Or maybe you're making a joke?

    Curse of the copy editor....

  3. I was out selling the livers of baby dogs yesterday, a fine delicacy for the wealthy man, when some bleeding hippy came up to me all "peace, love and light" saying:

    "hey dude that is a horrid thing to do for a living, killing innocent puppies for food. I hope you are reborn as a dog."

    So anyway I thought for a second and killed the hippy (liver for sale by the way) and now I know my fate is secure and I will be reborn a human, all be it a hippy.

    We play spin the dharma wheel at drunken parities, it's fun to direct the universe.


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