Thursday, April 23, 2009

Dealing with Terrible Angst

When I was a young man, I dealt with a lot of terrible angst (a great deal of my emotional state had to do with undiagnosed Klinefelter's Syndrome). At times, I contemplated suicide and/or thought I would end up in the loony bin. When my emotions got to the point that I thought they would consume me, the only thing I could do to relieve the stress and tension was to write!

I wrote all sorts of things: poetry, screenplays, sermons, commentaries, one entire movie script and, most importantly, song lyrics (sometimes I even crafted a workable tune to go with it!). Once I was diagnosed with KS and began testosterone replacement therapy, the vast majority of my angst melted away instantaneously.

For the most part, this was stupendous! I felt like a new and more confident person. But for all the positives, I lost something I cherished -- my poetic voice. Where I used to write poems and song lyrics like a dervish, I ceased writing them altogether. I no longer suffered from the angst and misery that I used as the subliminal fuel to siphon off my woe in a positive and creative manner.

Anyhow, as I was typing the post, "I Really Tried", it got me to thinking about my life as a young adult. One of the songs I wrote during this period, "What Will You Decide?" just popped into my head. Here are the lyrics from memory (some 25 - 30 years after the fact):
What Will You Decide?

I've walked these streets in silence for far too long a time
I've been waiting for a moment for the light to shine
But the darkness still continues; it's there both night and day
Only you can manage to take it all away.

Darling, what will you decide?
Do you dream about me too?
Have you ever really tried
to say the words, "I love you?"

My life hangs in the balance, I don't know where to turn
Sometimes I am amazed at the lessons never learned
I haven't been the friend I had always aimed to be
Only you can salvage this dream inside of me.

Darling, what will you decide?
Do you dream about me too?
Have you ever really tried
to say the words, "I love you?"

The lives we lead won't last us forever
One day the leaves will fall,
the songbird will not call
and we'll have missed our chance to be together.

I've walked these streets in silence for far too long a time
I've been waiting for a moment for the light to shine
But the darkness still continues; it's there both day and night
Only you can end it with your radiant light.

Darling, what will you decide?
Do you dream about me too?
Have you ever really tried
to say the words, "I love you?"

Darling, what will you decide?
Do you long to hold me too?
If you'd dig down deep inside
you'd know our love is true.
[Note: Lucky for me, I didn't get the girl! If I had, I wouldn't be so overjoyed married to my darling Della.)

4 comments:

  1. Hi R T

    Great lyrics - really, I enjoyed them immensely. And since we are a musical couple here, my husband being a guitarist, classical pianist, singer and lyricist - I appreciate music. Oh, I play the drums and sing back ground harmonies. One of his original songs was featured at the opening ceremonies of the special olympics and was picked up as the theme song for the Jerry Lewis Telethon the same year - called, "Jacob's SOng', Jacob being our 'special needs' grandson. If you would like I can send you a copy if you feel okay about exchanging such information.
    Anyway, great song and glad it didn't work out with that girl because clearly Della is the gal for you. :-)

    Love and music
    Gail
    peace.....

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  2. Nice, RT. Thank you for sharing.

    I've recently been giving a lot of thought to the angst, the passion, the desperateness that makes beautiful lyrics arise... We shun these emotions but these are the exact emotions that bring us to our knees... that bring us great art and great music... Everything has a place, eh?

    One of these days maybe I'll share some of my own lyrics. (But I doubt it... ; )

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  3. Gail,
    Why not contact me directly at nwtao@centurytel.net?

    Val,
    Come on! You can't dangle a carrot like that and not let us have a bite or two. :D)

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  4. Your honesty inspires readers to be more honest with themselves. The unlimited source of one's creative energy never changes. Only perception of self changes. The mind oscillates between levels of self love and inner fear. They actually determine what you feel free to reveal, write or not. When you withold words, this is a message from the soul. One's level of awareness determines what is accepted. This does not change what is.

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