Now that I've found that Asperger's Syndrome (AS) provides a definition for the many struggles I've encountered in my life, why has this knowledge so discombobulated me? As my family and friends have pointed out, the traits and aspects that fit under the umbrella of AS have always been part of me. The only difference, they say, is that I now have a label with which to group together what I thought were disparate quirks.
I grant that their is some logic and symmetry to this argument. The me that I know today is the same me I've known since the beginning. I've always accepted that I seem to view the world differently than most people and I react to it differently as well. So, a silly label shouldn't make that big a deal.
While that perspective is rational, it doesn't quite cut it in my book. While I've acknowledged that I do come at things differently, I always thought it was because I'm a philosophical type and that, if others looked at the world through the eyes of the philosopher, they too would see what I see or, at least, something in a similar vein.
To find out that this is not the case at all has taken me aback. These neurological differences are far more than I had originally realized. What this means -- at least from my point of view -- is that many of most basic foundational tenets are based on false premises. I'm not saying that each is necessarily wrong, but each is based on an entirely different set of criteria.
Further, delineating a specific reference point is a form of change and I have never dealt well with change. So, it should be understandable that this whole situation has thrown me for a loop and turned my understanding of my world upside down.
As I've mentioned before, I'm feeling rather lost right now. It's like the tether that's kept me tied down has been torn asunder and I'm wafting about in the wind. I've actually been talking to people around town a lot less because I am now more conscious that I often say the wrong thing at the wrong time or that I habitually miss routine social clues. I certainly don't go out as often as I used to (which isn't saying much) and I rarely speak to any of my neighbors.
In a way, I've decided to hibernate. Until I can get a better handle on these new revelations, I don't have any interest whatsoever in being even nominally social. I've never been a social creature anyway, but I'm now becoming something of a hermit!
At some point, I may venture out again to engage the world. If do though, I already know it will be under different parameters.
Up and until I attended Grad School in the early 90s, I accepted the fact that I marched to a radically different drummer. I was not a joiner. If I found a particular community project or program that interested me, I would definitely get involved, but on my own terms. Once it ended, I would go back to my cave.
During Grad School, I decided to try the other tact -- to BE a joiner. I joined lots of radical and progressive groups and became one of the leaders of several of them. My ongoing participation was always marked by my quirky mannerisms and behavior, but progressive activists accepted these quirks because I was such a hard and dedicated worker.
But try as I might, I continually found myself in the middle of organizational controversies. I seem to be the kind of person that either you love to death or you absolutely detest and loathe. There appears to be no middle ground. For every comrade-in-arms there was also a devout enemy, even though I accept that there's good and bad in each and every person.
So, I've decided to go back to the way it was before -- to be a non-joiner. I simply don't seem to have the ability to avoid causing or worsening imbroglios. In essence, I don't plan to be a leader OR a follower. I'll just keep to my own path and, if it intersects with others from time to time, we can then work together on very specific tasks.
As a Taoist, I still hold firm to the belief that all things, including me, are connected to everything else. I am simply choosing to view these connections from a little farther back than before.
More importantly, as should be evident to long time readers, I'm going to put a lot more energy into this blog. Since I seem better equipped to communicate via the written word than its spoken counterpart, this blog will offer the opportunity to stay engaged in the issues I'm most interested in.
It is my sincere hope that my frankness in discussing my personal struggles with AS, Klinefelter's and fibromyalgia will, at least, allow others who share these or similar diagnoses to know that they are not stranded alone on a strange planet.
I grant that their is some logic and symmetry to this argument. The me that I know today is the same me I've known since the beginning. I've always accepted that I seem to view the world differently than most people and I react to it differently as well. So, a silly label shouldn't make that big a deal.
While that perspective is rational, it doesn't quite cut it in my book. While I've acknowledged that I do come at things differently, I always thought it was because I'm a philosophical type and that, if others looked at the world through the eyes of the philosopher, they too would see what I see or, at least, something in a similar vein.
To find out that this is not the case at all has taken me aback. These neurological differences are far more than I had originally realized. What this means -- at least from my point of view -- is that many of most basic foundational tenets are based on false premises. I'm not saying that each is necessarily wrong, but each is based on an entirely different set of criteria.
Further, delineating a specific reference point is a form of change and I have never dealt well with change. So, it should be understandable that this whole situation has thrown me for a loop and turned my understanding of my world upside down.
As I've mentioned before, I'm feeling rather lost right now. It's like the tether that's kept me tied down has been torn asunder and I'm wafting about in the wind. I've actually been talking to people around town a lot less because I am now more conscious that I often say the wrong thing at the wrong time or that I habitually miss routine social clues. I certainly don't go out as often as I used to (which isn't saying much) and I rarely speak to any of my neighbors.
In a way, I've decided to hibernate. Until I can get a better handle on these new revelations, I don't have any interest whatsoever in being even nominally social. I've never been a social creature anyway, but I'm now becoming something of a hermit!
At some point, I may venture out again to engage the world. If do though, I already know it will be under different parameters.
Up and until I attended Grad School in the early 90s, I accepted the fact that I marched to a radically different drummer. I was not a joiner. If I found a particular community project or program that interested me, I would definitely get involved, but on my own terms. Once it ended, I would go back to my cave.
During Grad School, I decided to try the other tact -- to BE a joiner. I joined lots of radical and progressive groups and became one of the leaders of several of them. My ongoing participation was always marked by my quirky mannerisms and behavior, but progressive activists accepted these quirks because I was such a hard and dedicated worker.
But try as I might, I continually found myself in the middle of organizational controversies. I seem to be the kind of person that either you love to death or you absolutely detest and loathe. There appears to be no middle ground. For every comrade-in-arms there was also a devout enemy, even though I accept that there's good and bad in each and every person.
So, I've decided to go back to the way it was before -- to be a non-joiner. I simply don't seem to have the ability to avoid causing or worsening imbroglios. In essence, I don't plan to be a leader OR a follower. I'll just keep to my own path and, if it intersects with others from time to time, we can then work together on very specific tasks.
As a Taoist, I still hold firm to the belief that all things, including me, are connected to everything else. I am simply choosing to view these connections from a little farther back than before.
More importantly, as should be evident to long time readers, I'm going to put a lot more energy into this blog. Since I seem better equipped to communicate via the written word than its spoken counterpart, this blog will offer the opportunity to stay engaged in the issues I'm most interested in.
It is my sincere hope that my frankness in discussing my personal struggles with AS, Klinefelter's and fibromyalgia will, at least, allow others who share these or similar diagnoses to know that they are not stranded alone on a strange planet.
How did it come about that you were diagnosed so late in life as having AS?
ReplyDeleteHave you had any success in using Chi Gung or other such energy exercises with you fibro?
I can relate to the hibernating non-joining type of thing. A few close friends is a few too many sometimes. Its a struggle to be socially outgoing in any way. No one is aware of how difficult it is for me and many laugh when I refer to myself as "the hermit" or having any type of a social anxiety disorder.
When I was meditating regularly, balance was more easily achieved in spite of myself. Trial and tribulations, health issues, etc... have kept the cushion at bay. But one can hope!
Most of my diagnoses have come late in life. I didn't learn I had Klinefelter's until my early 30s and fibromyalgia until my mid 40s! So this is par for the course.
ReplyDeleteI hate to admit it, but I haven't really tried any energy exercises from the fibro.