My Religion Says I Can't Work

Ta-Wan

It crossed my mind some years ago to take on all religions so that I could have lots of days off work and lots of holidays. My friend invented his own religion called COJ (the Cult of John) with it's own holy book the Bibble, I have not asked him yet but I'm pretty sure that if I joined his cult he'd give me as many days off as I liked. - But why when I can have my own?

I find the hours we keep and days in seven's to be quite out of sync with my natural rhythms; so I state from here on in that I am now a tax exempt, work exempt, Wowist priest. Wowists do not recognise days of the week or time, so are exempt from everything.

When I meet you I (may) say the word wow in conversation and this should be seen as reverence to the great wow, you should respond by not really noticing and this shall be the way we honour the wow. I will wear wowist clothing which will be just like normal clothing so that anyone wearing normal clothes will too be stating love of the wow.

I may also like a bowl of ice cream, so I'll see to that myself now. - Apart from that, all will be about the same but I won't be paying tax or working again.

This post originally appeared on Ta-Wan's blog, Tao Wow.

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Somebody Lacks a Sense of Humor

Trey Smith

On June 5, the Guardian posted the first of many documents, leaked by former contractor Edward Snowden, that detail NSA‘s spy practices. Two days later, [Dan] McCall put up a handful of T-shirts and bumper stickers for sale on the custom goods marketplace Zazzle, which distributes most of Liberty Maniacs’ goods. Each of those items had the NSA logo, plus a common joke as a slogan: “The only part of the government that actually listens.”

“Within an hour or two,” as McCall told the Daily Dot, Zazzle emailed him to say the shirt had been removed from the Zazzle site. (Zazzle didn’t respond to the Daily Dot’s request for comment, nor did the NSA.)

Zazzle’s first email, which McCall forwarded to the Daily Dot, said in part:

Unfortunately, it appears that your product, The NSA, contains content that is in conflict with one or more of our acceptable content guidelines.

We will be removing this product from the Zazzle Marketplace shortly. …

Result: Not Approved

Policy Notes: Design contains an image or text that may infringe on intellectual property rights. We have been contacted by the intellectual property right holder and we will be removing your product from Zazzle’s Marketplace due to infringement claims.

~ from The Parody Shirt the NSA Doesn't Want You to Wear by Kevin Collier ~

Jeez! Somebody not only lacks a sense of humor, but obviously doesn't understand the concept of parody! I can tell you one thing. If I can work it into our budget, I want to buy either a shirt or a tote bag with this slogan on it. Heck, maybe both!

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One If By Land, Two If By Sea

Trey Smith

I am sure that most of our American readers are familiar with Paul Revere's Midnight Ride. As the story goes, Revere was to inform the sexton of a church in the Concord, Massachusetts area as to whether British troops were coming by land or sea (actually, the Charles River). The sexton was then to shine one or two lanterns to alert the citizens in the neighboring town of Charlestown. Revere was then to ride through the countryside warning friendly colonists along the way.

I mention this historic tale in reference to something currently in the news. Democratic Senators Ron Wyden (OR) and Mark Udall (CO) are being hailed by some because they have tried to warn citizens for years that something wasn't kosher about the NSA's various surveillance programs.

In my book, neither warrants being called a hero. Their so-called "warnings" were always vague and never included anything specific. When faced with protecting classified secrets versus defending the US Constitution, both chose the former. Even though both men indicated that they believed the US Constitution was being violated, neither showed the courage nor fortitude to stand up tall to tell the American people what the hell was going on. No, such courage was shown by Edward Snowden, not them!

Since Wyden has taken the lead on this issue, I thought I would illustrate this situation by replacing Paul Revere with him. Thus, that historic event might have gone something like this.

When Ron Wyden received the secret information from operatives, he decided to change plans. He went to the church of the sexton and stood up in the bell tower and yelled over and over again, "Somebody is coming. Somebody is coming." After a while, he attracted the attention of some area townspeople who came to the church to ask him some questions.

Wyden: Somebody is coming! Somebody is coming!

Person #1: Are the British troops coming?

Wyden: I didn't say it was the British. All I said is "someone."

Person #2: Okay, so who IS this someone?

Wyden: I am not at liberty to divulge that information.

Person #2: What do you mean by that?

Wyden: I mean, I can't tell you.

Person #3: Can you at least tell us if it is friend or foe?

Wyden: It is one or the other.

Person #1: What good is it to know if "somebody is coming" if you won't tell us who it is?

Wyden: Look, I'd really like to tell you, but I just can't.

Person #4: Can't you give us a little hint?

Wyden: Hmm. I can tell you that the someone who is coming is not currently here. Satisfied?

Person #3: What kind of answer is that! Of course, the people who are coming aren't here. If they were already here, then they wouldn't be coming!

Person #1: Can you tell us why they are coming?

Wyden: Sorry, but I can't tell you that either.

Person #2: Great! Somebody -- whose identity we don't know -- is coming and we don't know why this unknown somebody is coming.

Wyden: True, but you do know that somebody IS coming.

Person #1: Is this coming imminent, like tomorrow, or is it more like a few days from now?

Wyden: It could be in a few hours...or it could be next month.

Person #3: Well, which is it?

Wyden: I'm not at liberty to say.

Person #4: Could you at least tell us if this somebody is coming by land or water?

Wyden: I think it's one or the other, but it could be both.

Person #5: Alright. Let me see if I have this straight. Some unknown person or persons who are not here now is/are coming. You won't tell us when this somebody is coming. You won't tell us why this somebody is coming and you won't tell us how this somebody is coming. All you will tell is that somebody is coming.

Wyden: Yes! You've got it. I just wanted to warn you all that somebody is coming, so you wouldn't be caught off guard.

The townspeople decided that Wyden had consumed too much ale. They dispersed and went back to their homes. When the British troops showed up the next day, everyone was caught off guard. The rebellious colonist leaders were put in the stockade and the rebellion never recovered. Many generations later -- in 2012 -- one of Wyden's descendants was elected to the House of Commons as a representative of the North American British Colonies.

Bucket List

Trey Smith

In an unusual but bold move, the Justice Department has targeted a random aluminum bucket suspected of leaking “several drops of water,” according to a boastful White House press release.

The Obama administration has prosecuted six suspected leakers using the 1917 Espionage Act — more than all prior administrations combined — but this is the first time that the administration has targeted a simple, lifeless bucket.

“Some of you might be wondering if we can even prosecute an inanimate object,” remarked Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. during a Monday press conference. “I assure you we can. We’ve got it all figured out in a secret legal memo that you aren’t allowed to read.”

“Our decision to prosecute this leaky bucket should come as no surprise,” said Holder. “This administration is widely regarded as diabolically paranoid and inane, and we intend to protect our legacy, regardless of the consequences. If you leak, we’re coming for you. It’s that simple.” Then the Attorney General gently stroked his mustache, closed his eyes, licked his lips and added, “Leaks that help Kathryn Bigelow produce war porno are still okay though. Give it up for Bigelow, everyone!”

In a letter to Holder, the bucket’s owner, Bill Dickerson, begged the Justice Department for leniency. “My bucket did nothing wrong,” Dickerson wrote to Holder. “It’s a bucket.”

Dickerson ended his letter with an impassioned plea. “Can you please give me my bucket back? I really need it. Thank you.”

The Internal Revenue Service responded to Dickerson’s letter, informing him that he would be audited sometime next week.

Experts said the scope of the investigation goes beyond the known scale of previous leak probes.

“This investigation is broader and less focused on an individual, since they’re focusing on an aluminum bucket, and not an individual,” said Steven Adler, a government secrecy expert. “Essentially this means anything that could potentially leak is now fair game: sprinkler systems, rowboats, juice boxes, everything. You think Eric Holder won’t subpoena your dirty diapers? You are naive.”

Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick J. Leahy (D-Vt.) said in a statement that he is “very troubled by these allegations” and wants to hear the government’s explanation. “Why only go after one bucket? There’s gotta be more than one leaky bucket that we can nail,” Leahy said. “I want to know more about this case, but on the face of it, I am concerned that the government just doesn’t take leaks seriously.”

Responsible news outlets and Internet blogs have largely ignored the investigation, although ThinkProgress was brave enough to report yesterday that the “Republican Mayor of Cabbage Patch, Iowa Said Something That Could Be Interpreted As Racist.”
~ Obama DOJ Charges Aluminum Bucket In Leak Investigation by Riley Waggaman ~

I shared this column in its entirety because, though obvious satire, it points to a gnawing truth: The Obama administration wants us to know SOLELY what it wants us to know and nothing more. How ironic for a candidate who ran on the premise of greater transparency!

The Surprise Party

Trey Smith

We have a problem in this nation with the two so-called major political parties. Every four years they craft elaborate platforms that their elected candidates tend to ignore or outright thumb their noses at. Their political candidates spend an inordinate amount of time on the campaign trail making all sorts of promises and pledges, yet, if elected, they immediately suffer from acute amnesia or try to convince the public that they never made any pledges or promises to begin with -- this is true even when those words were videotaped or recorded.

I think it's about time that we founded a new political party, one that can outplay the Republicrats at their own game. So, let me be the first to introduce you to (drum roll, please) the Surprise Party (?P).

Personally, I think the ?P will attract a lot of candidates. The ?P has no political platform, no political principles and their candidates are forbidden to make any promises or pledges. To sign on, a candidate can be conservative, middle of the road or a flaming liberal. Gender doesn't matter nor does race or ethnicity. Religious preference or lack thereof doesn't matter either. When it comes to the crucial issues of the day, you can fall on either side of the divide. You can be well respected by your peers or considered an absolute crackpot.

Out on the campaign trail, all you have to do is smile, shake a lot of hands and kiss a slew of babies. When reporters, pundits or average citizens ask you questions as to how you plan to govern, all you have to say is "Elect me and then you'll see." If pressed further, all you need to do is offer a devilish smirk, a shrug of your shoulders and you can fire back, "I don't want to spoil the surprise."

Once elected, you'll be like almost every other elected official. Every speech you make or vote you cast will be a bona fide surprise. However, unlike the Republicrats, you can brag that you didn't go back on a campaign promise or pledge. How could you? You're a proud member of the Surprise Party!

The End of This Blog...

...unless it turns out that the ancient Mayans were playing a big practical joke on all of us or, maybe, they were just drunk!

As I'm sure most of you know, some people believe that when the clock strikes midnight, everything we know will be toast. While I certainly don't believe in this doomsday prediction -- if that even was the genuine forecast to begin with -- I have been wrong before. If it turns out that I'm wrong, then this will be the last entry at The Rambling Taoists.

To be fair, it really won't matter because you won't be around to notice! You will be toast too.

So, just to be safe, if you've missed any of our scintillating posts over the past 7 years, you better get to reading right now! You don't have much time!

And just let me add something here. A lot of people were of the thinking that midnight last night was going to be the supposed pivotal moment. I'm not sure why. According to the Mayan calendar, December 21, 2012, is the last day. So, it only makes sense that when we get one second past midnight tonight that everything goes bye-bye.

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Afternoon Matinee: Impressionists - David Frye I