The Hole

Trey Smith

Right about now, Della and I are saying our goodbyes. The car is loaded with provisions, the gas tank is full and my sweetheart is moments away from driving off into the great AmeriCorps unknown. I'm sure I will watch the car descend our hill and then disappear around the corner at 1st Street. With one last glimpse, I will begin to feel a tiny hole in my heart.

I will walk back into a house that isn't all that different from a few moments earlier. The dogs and cat will still be there. I'm fairly confident that none of the furniture will have rearranged itself. The same dishes will be in the sink and none of the food in the cabinets will have magically vanished. All will be pretty much the same...except it will feel completely different.

Though I spend a good deal of time each day alone, I know my beloved is downstairs or a few rooms away. Her presence in the house creates an energy field that I can tap into anytime I need. Just knowing that she is nearby and I can reach out to touch her or look into her eyes can calm me even in my most anxious moments.

And now, my security blanket is gone! For the most part, all I will be able to hold onto is her voice on the telephone line.

~~

Now that I am really alone, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm a bit scared. I'm scared that I won't be there when Della needs me and that she won't be here when I really need her. I'm scared that I will close in on myself and become even more frightened by the social world. I'm scared that I will injure myself -- something that happens all too frequently -- and there won't be anyone around to doctor my wounds.

Most of all, I'm scared of being scared!

It is all a bit strange for a bloke like me. I used to relish being alone. Ten years ago, I don't think this separation would have bothered me that much. Sure, I would miss my sweetie, but I also would have embraced my isolation. I would have viewed it in the light of certain sense of freedom. Today, however, it feels something like a prison cell!

But it is what it is. I am sure I will learn to take it in stride. Autistic folks like routine and, in time, my routine will be that of a single man alone (albeit with 2 dogs and a cat) in his house. While this transition period will be tough, I'll come out of the other side okay..............I hope.