All By My Lonesome

Trey Smith

If you had told me a few years back that circumstances would arise which would mean I would be spending inordinate amounts of time by myself, I would have shrugged my shoulders. In fact, I even may have looked forward to it! But having been married to Della for over 25 years and often relying on her to interpret the world for me, I'm more than a bit anxious at the prospect of being stranded here on my hill.

In one way, it's kind of weird. As things stand, I spend the majority of my time alone right now. The difference, of course, is that I know that my dear wife is downstairs or in another room. When she goes to work or the store, I know that barring some calamity (e.g., car accident or heart attack), she will return home soon.

When she drives off toward White Salmon next week, things will be far different. She won't be returning anytime soon. Weather permitting, she does plan to return home every 4 or 6 weeks, but that's really up in the air right now.

I will be here with no vehicle. I have a friend or two who will take me shopping once per week and I can always call Dial-A-Ride, if the situation warrants, but most of the time I will be here preparing our house for foreclosure.

And therein lies the danger.

As you all know, I'm not very social. It's important for me to get out in the world because, when I don't, I tend to close in even further. I get to the point in which I don't want to go out at all and the few times that I have to go out are laced with extreme nervousness and panic attacks.

I have made strides in the past few years to not allow myself completely to shut out the outside world. Almost daily shopping at our local grocery store (buy a little here and there) has helped me not to be so nervous in social situations. Circumstances will soon dictate that I won't get out very often and I'm certain to wrap myself somewhat back in my cocoon.

Hopefully, I don't burrow in too far.