Expectations Are Funny Things

Trey Smith

On Wednesday, I was scheduled to have an MRI on my left knee. I hurt it back in January and it's still very painful and not as stable as it should be.

I've shared with you before that I have a lot of issues with anxiety. I get so worked up in anticipation of things yet to come that I often make myself literally sick with worry. Having had several MRIs in the past few years, this could have been one of those times to have a proverbial panic attack.

Though they are not painful, I dislike MRIs immensely. I am very claustrophobic and the MRI tube is very narrow. Being told to lie perfectly still for 30 - 60 minutes when experiencing a panicked mania is near impossible. I've managed to muddle through these experiences almost every time, but I'm usually on pins and needles for the 24 hour period leading up to it.

But I wasn't anxious at all this time around. I knew I was going into the tube feet first and that my head would not be confined to the narrow space. While I never look forward to lying on my back -- vertigo issues -- I knew this process should be over and done with in less than 30 minutes.

As I arrived at our local hospital, I wasn't a bundle of nerves like I typically am. I read while I waited to be called. When they came to get me, I casually strolled to the MRI facility. I talked easily with the MRI techs as I prepared for the procedure. In no time at all, my lower body went into the tube.

I'd be fibbing if I didn't say I was a tad bit nervous, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. I can do this, I said to myself as we completed the first set of pictures. But I didn't make it through the second phase!

I had to use the alarm button to stop the procedure. Had my anxiety flared up to blindside me, you ask. No, it wasn't that at all. I started having severe back spasms. In all my concern for my mental state, I had never thought about the degenerative disc issues in my lumbar spine! I had all but forgotten the difficulty I have these days in laying on my back for any length of time.

I have rescheduled the procedure for Monday. Before I go in, I will need to take some pain medication to try to ward off the spasms and I also plan to ice down my back (numbing factor) before going to the hospital.

For me, this whole episode was very ironic. I usually imagine the worst and yet I somehow soldier through. This time around I didn't expect the worst and yet I was unable to soldier through.

Expectations are funny things.