(KKJK Action News) -- In an exclusive interview today with crack reporter Diz Beleaver, the Christian God tells how he is becoming more and more disenchanted with his hand-picked messengers. Excerpts are below.
Diz: Reports are coming out of Oakland that Harold Camping has suffered a stroke. Did you play any part in this?
God: You're damn right I did! I had to send a strong message to the rest of the flock that such willful disobedience to my divine plan will not be tolerated.
Diz: What did Camping get wrong?
God: Hey Einstein, the better question is what did this ingrate get right?
Diz: You seem to be in a bit of a foul mood.
God: Buddy, you would be in a foul mood too if your minions constantly were screwing up left and right.
Diz: So, where did Camping go wrong?
God: I think it's rather obvious, don't you? This crap he's been spewing about the end of the world. I mean, if this crackpot had nailed it, you wouldn't be conducting this interview right now.
Diz: Good point. Are you suggesting he merely miscalculated the date?
God: There is no calculation involved. I haven't shared with anyone in any way, shape or form the precise date I plan to end this sorry experiment.
Diz: Why do you characterize life...
God: ...to be more precise, HUMAN life...
Diz: ...okay, human life, as a sorry experiment?
God: Because you creatures are such sorry excuses for intelligent life forms!
Diz: Well, the story goes that YOU created us, so don't you bear some of the responsibility?
God: You're questioning the almighty ME in this way?
Diz: You did agree to this interview. That's what happens in interviews -- I ask questions and you provide answers.
God: I really don't like your tone of voice. If you don't watch it, there could be a stroke or heart attack in your near future.
Diz: My, you seem a bit defensive.
God: I am God. I don't get defensive.
Diz: Back to the matter at hand. Why is it that your chosen messengers keep garbling your message?
God: Hell if I know. It's a really, really simple message: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the rest is mere window dressing.
Diz: So, how do you plan to exert better quality control?
God: Well, I thought about following the corporate model of doing a little downsizing.
Diz: Like, maybe, flooding the world?
God: Yeah, that did the trick back in Noah's time.
Diz: Didn't I read somewhere that you made a covenant never to do something like that again?
God: Did I?
Diz: Yes. I'm almost positive it's written somewhere in the Old Testament. I bet you could find reference to it on YouTube.
God: Damn! I guess I'm screwed, then!
This is great!
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