A Good 'Ol Pot of Stew

In yesterday's post, A Bit O' the Blues, I remarked about how most of the news coming from various governmental entities in this country and around the world has left me in a bit of a funk. Baroness Radon and Brandon left some astute comments for me to chew on. In particular, Brandon wrote, in part:

Now, you're right, we do have some semblance of power if we stay informed. Here is the real question, though: you're obviously one of the informed. But do you do anything with the info, or do you just stew on it. Most people just stew on it. It becomes like a drug, where we obsess about knowing, but it doesn't result in anything.

This is an excellent question/observation and my answer is the focus of this post.

Based on my remote geographical location AND my current mental make-up, I don't like the honest and frank answer: I basically stew on it.

But it certainly hasn't always been this way. As I've chronicled here and there on this blog, I was what you would call a semi-professional activist from 1990 - 2007. I never made close to a living wage from my work (which wasn't the point anyway), but I was neck deep in peaceful agitation.

Particularly during the dozen years I lived in Salem, Oregon, I was a very active bloke indeed! I ran for congress and governor in Oregon as an explicit Socialist Party candidate. I helped organize and lead protest marches, candlelight vigils, fundraisers, rallies, support for striking workers and several hands-on educational programs and conferences. I testified publicly before city and state bodies. I delivered speeches and was not infrequently interviewed by newspaper and radio reporters.

All this social activity took a tremendous toll on my physical and emotional self. Since I am patently anti-social, in nature, putting myself out front basically ruined my health.

Let me provide an example of what I'm referring to. It's not uncommon at all for many people to become physically ill before standing in front of the public to deliver an address or speech (or sing or act or whatever). Your hands shake. Your mouth goes dry. Maybe, you throw-up or get the runs. Some people even suffer from debilitating panic attacks.

I suffered from all of these, except the puking part. ;-) There are many times when I thought I might just run away; simply skip out of my appearance. When I first climbed onto the stage or stood next to the podium, there were many times in which I thought I might pass out or even burst into tears.

All this had little to do with a fear of failure. It was far more basic than that -- a common trait of those of us with autism. Eye contact freaks me out! The thought of all those eyes on ME and that fact that I had to look out at them completely unnerved me. It didn't matter that I made numerous such appearances over the course of ten years or so, each and every time I was totally freaked out.

You wouldn't have known any of this by my performance. According to most people I know, I always received high marks for my speech-making ability. I was a fiery and impassioned speaker.

But here is where I differ from most people. While other folks suffer severe stage fright BEFORE they go on, once the event is over, they calm down. The nerve-racking part has ended and so they become far more at ease and relaxed.

Not me! Once I finished my testimony or speech, I rarely hung around to mix and socialize. I had to get out of there before I instantaneously combusted on the spot. I'm not talking about going off into another room or out to the curb to get some fresh air -- I completely vamoosed. I would return home to the sanctity of my office (a converted stand-alone garage) to decompress. I would often sit there in the dark literally shaking for quite some time.

This is what happens to a person when he or she goes against their internal nature. You generate undue stress that is hard to dissipate. Stress that cannot be relieved tends to become internalized and ends up negatively impacting the person's body, mind or both.

This is what happened to me. I have so suffered physically for my years of activism and emotionally it has driven me to become something of a hermit. I have gone to such lengths to remove myself from the social world that I now no longer have the capacity to reenter it. Crowds (5 people or more) absolutely terrify me and there is no way I could EVER be an activist again.

So, I'm left to sit and stew...and ponder...and WRITE!