[Note: Once I finished writing this post, I vacillated back and forth as to whether or not I should post it. I'm worried that it may freak out people too much. I'm worried that it could be too easily misconstrued and conflated into something it is not. I'm worried that some concerned soul will send men in little white coats to round me up. I'm worried that it may be too frank, honest and open for this type of medium. Let's just say I am worried about how you, my readers, will interpret this. All worries aside, fasten your seat belts.]
I made what I believe for most people would be a startling admission yesterday in The Thin Line. I admitted for all the world to read that there have been a few times in my life in which I have been so enraged with someone that, for a fleeting moment or two, I imagined what it would be like to kill them. While I submit such envisioning is not atypical nor abnormal in the least, most people have the commonsense not to admit it publicly.
Since I already broached the topic, I thought I would expand upon it a bit. At first blush, what I will write next is going to disturb a lot of you, but try to bear with me because, hopefully, I will be able to get across the context of my admissions.
There have been times in my life -- times when I was neither enraged, depressed nor despondent -- in which I have envisioned all sorts of gruesome things: rape, incest, serial murder, and torture (to name a few). In each case, I am the perpetrator of these vile acts. This envisioning generally happens after a sensational crime has been committed and reported on by the media.
Am I a human time bomb that could go off at any second? I don't think so. There is a method to this seeming madness.
As a person who has always been interested in the sociological, psychological and philosophical aspects of life, I think I plumb the depths of my innermost being more deeply than most people. When I learn of atrocious and despicable crimes, I try to put myself in the shoes of the perpetrator to see if I can fathom what may have motivated their actions.
I see this ability to put myself in another person's shoes as a both a gift and a curse. It is a gift because it allows me to feel a sense of compassion for people from all walks of life. While so many others want simply to throw away people who behave outside of society's laws and mores, I am more apt to see the humanity within them. Yes, such people may have committed unspeakable acts, but those acts do not define the entirety of their lives.
Most such individuals were, at one time, a loving son or daughter, a best friend, or a reliable colleague. Somewhere along their life's journey something caused them to get on the wrong path and they couldn't seem to find the way back. While such things do NOT excuse their later destructive actions, it can provide context and a bit of explanation as to why they decided to bring great harm to others and/or themselves.
On the other hand, this ability to drop into the abyss of human darkness is a curse. It sometimes scares the shit out of me! I never hang around there for very long because it is too painful. Envisioning oneself committing all sorts of vile acts is no picnic. In fact, it can be downright disgusting. It ALWAYS leaves me with a very unsettled feeling.
Do I ever worry that something might truly be wrong with me? Do I think I could be capable of carrying out such vile and heinous acts?
No. Not one iota. Since a young age, I have possessed a strong ethical compass. This is not to suggest that I'm proud of everything I've done in my life -- who can honestly say that -- but I have a deep compassion for all the beings I share the earth with.
My ability to envision in this way is -- for better or worse -- part of who I am. It is born of wanting to try to understand what motivates people to seek good or evil, love or hate, life or death, harmony or disharmony.
I made what I believe for most people would be a startling admission yesterday in The Thin Line. I admitted for all the world to read that there have been a few times in my life in which I have been so enraged with someone that, for a fleeting moment or two, I imagined what it would be like to kill them. While I submit such envisioning is not atypical nor abnormal in the least, most people have the commonsense not to admit it publicly.
Since I already broached the topic, I thought I would expand upon it a bit. At first blush, what I will write next is going to disturb a lot of you, but try to bear with me because, hopefully, I will be able to get across the context of my admissions.
There have been times in my life -- times when I was neither enraged, depressed nor despondent -- in which I have envisioned all sorts of gruesome things: rape, incest, serial murder, and torture (to name a few). In each case, I am the perpetrator of these vile acts. This envisioning generally happens after a sensational crime has been committed and reported on by the media.
Am I a human time bomb that could go off at any second? I don't think so. There is a method to this seeming madness.
As a person who has always been interested in the sociological, psychological and philosophical aspects of life, I think I plumb the depths of my innermost being more deeply than most people. When I learn of atrocious and despicable crimes, I try to put myself in the shoes of the perpetrator to see if I can fathom what may have motivated their actions.
I see this ability to put myself in another person's shoes as a both a gift and a curse. It is a gift because it allows me to feel a sense of compassion for people from all walks of life. While so many others want simply to throw away people who behave outside of society's laws and mores, I am more apt to see the humanity within them. Yes, such people may have committed unspeakable acts, but those acts do not define the entirety of their lives.
Most such individuals were, at one time, a loving son or daughter, a best friend, or a reliable colleague. Somewhere along their life's journey something caused them to get on the wrong path and they couldn't seem to find the way back. While such things do NOT excuse their later destructive actions, it can provide context and a bit of explanation as to why they decided to bring great harm to others and/or themselves.
On the other hand, this ability to drop into the abyss of human darkness is a curse. It sometimes scares the shit out of me! I never hang around there for very long because it is too painful. Envisioning oneself committing all sorts of vile acts is no picnic. In fact, it can be downright disgusting. It ALWAYS leaves me with a very unsettled feeling.
Do I ever worry that something might truly be wrong with me? Do I think I could be capable of carrying out such vile and heinous acts?
No. Not one iota. Since a young age, I have possessed a strong ethical compass. This is not to suggest that I'm proud of everything I've done in my life -- who can honestly say that -- but I have a deep compassion for all the beings I share the earth with.
My ability to envision in this way is -- for better or worse -- part of who I am. It is born of wanting to try to understand what motivates people to seek good or evil, love or hate, life or death, harmony or disharmony.
The mind is a funny thing.
ReplyDeleteLast year I am driving by the drug store. Beautiful, sunny day. Near the drug store is a container for collecting clothes for donation. The next thought was "boy that would be a good place to stuff a body!"
Where in the hell did THAT come from? :) this is happened a few times to me. Unsolicited, yet bizarre, crazy things pop into my head.
Bruce
Your comment reminds me of a little joke my wife & I share. When traveling by car together, if one of us chooses a route the other didn't expect or is unfamiliar with, it's not uncommon to ask, "Where are you going?" The driver will look at the passenger to say, "Somewhere they would never guess to look for your body!"
ReplyDeleteCreepy? Probably, but it usually generates a laugh. My wife has a great deadpan!