As I watch television these days, one of the advertisement types that seems to flood the airwaves is that of the online dating service. The two companies for which I see the most ads are for eHarmony.com and Match.com. Of the two, eHarmony claims that their "patented Compatibility Matching System® narrows the field from millions of candidates to a highly select group of singles that are compatible with you."
Look, I'm not going to suggest that there isn't any value at all in these types of services. I'm sure there are many people who have been happily matched utilizing either or both sites. But dating and the art of relationship is not an exact science and it boggles my mind that ANY outfit would claim that a questionnaire could determine "a highly select group" of people who WILL be compatible with anybody.
More importantly, compatibility isn't a static thing; like Tao, it's a process. Two people can appear completely incompatible at the outset and, with determination augmented with an abiding love, can turn what looks like a no go into something beautiful. Conversely, there are many people who appear wholly compatible who, for a variety of reasons, simply don't click.
Considering the former, if Della & I had used one of these dating services long ago, I can tell you right now that there is no way in the world we would have been matched! The computer would have deemed us very incompatible and we wouldn't be celebrating our 25th year together this year.
Della has always been social and gregarious. I tend to be for more introverted. In our younger years, Della hated being alone and that's how I spend a great deal of my time.
Owing to growing up in the Bible Belt, Della believed that steady couples and/or spouses are joined at the hip and all activities should be enjoyed together (in perpetual bliss, no less). If not, this was a sure sign that something is "wrong". I've always felt that couple can share those activities they enjoy in common, but each partner should be free to pursue those activities the other partner has no interest in.
Again, earlier on, Della felt that jealousy showed that you really cared for someone and that, if I truly loved her, I would object or react if she danced or skated or talked with another guy. I'm one of the least jealous people I know.
Educationally, I held a college degree and Della only had a high school diploma. Even further, only one person in her large extended family had ever graduated from college, while almost everyone in my extended family held at least one degree with many holding more advanced degrees. While learning was certainly not discouraged in her family, neither was it strongly encouraged. Education, questioning and critical thinking are bedrock principles in my family.
Finally, though understand that I'm only providing a thumbnail sketch here, the dynamics in Della's family called for females to cater to the menfolk who were the final arbiters of all family concerns, even if everyone knew those menfolk were doofuses. I grew up in a family with very strong, independent women and the responsibility for family decisions was shared by the adults alike with input from the kids as well.
Yet, for all these differences in personality and upbringing, you could say that Della and I fell in love with each other at first sight! Our relationship certainly hasn't always been easy -- what long-term relationship is? -- but we've stuck together through thick and thin. Today I think we both will agree that we have a great relationship and neither of us can imagine a life without the other.
Yet, had a service like eHarmony been around in 1984 and both of us had used it to find a partner, the chances are less than nil that we would have been matched. Had that happened, it would be a terrible shame. :>(
Look, I'm not going to suggest that there isn't any value at all in these types of services. I'm sure there are many people who have been happily matched utilizing either or both sites. But dating and the art of relationship is not an exact science and it boggles my mind that ANY outfit would claim that a questionnaire could determine "a highly select group" of people who WILL be compatible with anybody.
More importantly, compatibility isn't a static thing; like Tao, it's a process. Two people can appear completely incompatible at the outset and, with determination augmented with an abiding love, can turn what looks like a no go into something beautiful. Conversely, there are many people who appear wholly compatible who, for a variety of reasons, simply don't click.
Considering the former, if Della & I had used one of these dating services long ago, I can tell you right now that there is no way in the world we would have been matched! The computer would have deemed us very incompatible and we wouldn't be celebrating our 25th year together this year.
Della has always been social and gregarious. I tend to be for more introverted. In our younger years, Della hated being alone and that's how I spend a great deal of my time.
Owing to growing up in the Bible Belt, Della believed that steady couples and/or spouses are joined at the hip and all activities should be enjoyed together (in perpetual bliss, no less). If not, this was a sure sign that something is "wrong". I've always felt that couple can share those activities they enjoy in common, but each partner should be free to pursue those activities the other partner has no interest in.
Again, earlier on, Della felt that jealousy showed that you really cared for someone and that, if I truly loved her, I would object or react if she danced or skated or talked with another guy. I'm one of the least jealous people I know.
Educationally, I held a college degree and Della only had a high school diploma. Even further, only one person in her large extended family had ever graduated from college, while almost everyone in my extended family held at least one degree with many holding more advanced degrees. While learning was certainly not discouraged in her family, neither was it strongly encouraged. Education, questioning and critical thinking are bedrock principles in my family.
Finally, though understand that I'm only providing a thumbnail sketch here, the dynamics in Della's family called for females to cater to the menfolk who were the final arbiters of all family concerns, even if everyone knew those menfolk were doofuses. I grew up in a family with very strong, independent women and the responsibility for family decisions was shared by the adults alike with input from the kids as well.
Yet, for all these differences in personality and upbringing, you could say that Della and I fell in love with each other at first sight! Our relationship certainly hasn't always been easy -- what long-term relationship is? -- but we've stuck together through thick and thin. Today I think we both will agree that we have a great relationship and neither of us can imagine a life without the other.
Yet, had a service like eHarmony been around in 1984 and both of us had used it to find a partner, the chances are less than nil that we would have been matched. Had that happened, it would be a terrible shame. :>(
Being 48 and single, I cannot purport to know much about the subject, but when dating becomes like a job application and job interview, I say run for the hills. I believe the success stories of match companies are the result not so much of the computer match but the mental decision on the part of the participants to make it work...couldn't they do that without a service...
ReplyDeleteYour comment made me chuckle! It was funny only because it's so true. :)
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