The Magic Penises

Trey Smith

A federal appeals court is allowing Guantanamo guards to resume searching detainees' genitals on their way to and from legal meetings while the Obama administration challenges a federal judge's ruling that the searches unfairly impede attorney-client meetings.

The order Wednesday by a three-judge panel at the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit capped 24 hours of legal wrangling: The Justice Department asked a New York lawyer to let guards search her client's privates, the lawyer refused and the Southern Command's top general joined the fray with a sworn declaration that a federal judge got it wrong.

Groin searches aren't intended to prevent legal meetings, said Southcom's Marine Gen. John F. Kelly, noting that his Guantanamo soldiers similarly search captives meeting with Red Cross delegates.

Past practice of shaking a captive's trousers to see if "nails, shanks, ragged scraps of metal" fall out "posed an unacceptable risk to the safety and security of detainees and guards," Kelly said.
~ from Federal Judges Reinstate Guantanamo Groin Searches Pending Appeal by Carol Rosenberg ~

Look, I already knew that Gitmo prisoners -- 86 of whom have been cleared for release -- are subject to dehumanizing treatment. Many are being force-fed in a way that can only be described as torturous. I didn't think I could be completely flabbergasted anymore, but it turns out that I was wrong!

These men are caged like animals. Why on earth would their attorneys try to sneak in nails, shanks or ragged scraps of metal? These laudable men and women are trying their damnedest to get these men released.

Besides, who in their right mind would try to hide a scrap of ragged metal inside their penis? That's a recipe for immense pain. Not only would it be agonizing to insert it, but I bet it would hurt twice as much to try to extract it.

For that matter, the urethra is a very narrow tube. Its opening at the head of the penis is little more than a dot. A male would be hard-pressed to fit anything larger than a toothpick in it and why any male would want to do such a thing is beyond me! The only thing that I can discern from this inane request is that the US military believes that Gitmo prisoners possess magic penises -- ones that can swallow up nails, shanks, scraps of ragged metal and, possibly, giraffes!