Frozen

Trey Smith

This morning my wife had an appointment at our local hospital with a traveling podiatrist. (One of the drawbacks to living in a small town in a rural county is the dearth of locally-based medical specialists.) Della was thirsty and asked me to go the cafeteria in the main building to fetch her some coffee. To try to minimize my stress level, she provided very explicit instructions.

I trooped over to the main building -- there were lots of people milling around -- and made a beeline for the cafeteria. The coffee stand was exactly where Della said it would be, but there were no cups on the table. She had left this detail out of her instructions and, me being me, I looked all around and couldn't seem to find any cups. So, I just stood there frozen in front of the self-help coffee stand.

I'm not sure how long I stood there. A nurse came up to me and asked if I needed some help. I told her I couldn't find any coffee cups. She pointed out that they were in a dispenser RIGHT BEHIND ME. I had seen these cups, but for whatever reason, it didn't register in my brain that this is what I was looking for.

With cup in hand, I looked at the three decanters of coffee before me. Della had told me to use the decanter labeled "decaf." There was no decanter labeled "decaf." So, I froze again, not knowing what to do. I suppose the nurse -- who was still present -- noticed the befuddled look on my face. "Do you want some coffee?" she asked. "I'm supposed to get decaf," I told her, "but none of these decanters is so labeled."

She told me that the decanter on the far left held decaf coffee. So, I used that one. The next part of my detailed instructions was to get a packet of sugar-free cocoa to mix in with the coffee. There was a box with an assortment of teas, powdered cider and sugar, but it did not hold any packets of cocoa. I froze again. What do I do now?

The nurse had left the cafeteria, so I couldn't ask her. I stood frozen in front of the table and I obviously was muttering. A doctor came in and asked me what I was saying. This caught me off guard because I didn't realize I was saying anything out loud; I thought I was talking inside my head. "I'm supposed to mix a packet of hot chocolate with the coffee," I said, "but there are no packets of hot chocolate here."

He left my side and I heard him ask a staff person in the cafeteria for a packet. In just a moment or two, he returned and handed me a packet of sugar-free hot cocoa mix. I thanked him and then mixed the cocoa with the coffee.

There was one final step of my instructions. I was to pour two liquid packets of coffee creamer into the cup, but there were three different varieties to choose from and my wife had not specified which of the three I was to choose. I froze. Which one do I choose?

Since more and more people were coming into the cafeteria now -- far worse, they were milling around behind me and I cringe when people walk behind me -- I just grabbed two of the liquid packets indiscriminately and poured them into the cup. At this point, I was completely discombobulated. I felt like a lost 4 year old and wanted to scream, "Where's my mommy?"

I somehow made it out of the cafeteria alive and then found my way back to where my wife was waiting. I handed her the cup of decaf coffee and then I went out to sit in the car to decompress.

It really is difficult, at times, for me to navigate our social world. I love humanity; it's the people who bother me!