Thursday, March 15, 2012

Rebel Yell III

Trey Smith


(Did you miss Parts I & II? You might want to read them first.)

To this juncture, I have concentrated most of my attention in this short series on my tendency to be a freethinker. The other aspect that plays into the overall dynamic of my anti-authoritarian personality is autism.

One of the reasons the conflicts I have been involved in over the course of my life tend to be so intense is that I often misread situations entirely. I may be talking with someone who exhibits certain body language and/or the intonation of their voice to amplify their meaning, yet the whole thing is lost on me. I tend to take anything said to me in a strictly literal sense and this can cause definite problems if the other person is speaking figuratively or generally.

Another area that has bedeviled me is the inability to understand how I come across to others. Particularly in my younger years, the word that most of my coworkers have used to describe me is arrogant. Another word I heard used frequently in relation to my personality is condescending. Now, I'm certainly not suggesting that I have never been guilty of either being arrogant or condescending, but, more often than not, such descriptions have shocked the hell out of me.

Again, I believe this goes back to my literal nature. When discussing issues or perspectives, I tend to list them point-by-point and to reiterate present points with ones I have already broached. I use this step-by-step methodology to keep ideas clear in my head as well as to follow a rational progression. But I've been told, more times than I care to hear, that such an approach makes it sound like I'm talking down to others.

That's usually not my intent, but that's the way it is commonly perceived. The few times I have tried a different tack, things get so jumbled up in my head that I end up making almost no sense at all!

It is because of my penchant for unintentionally instigating imbroglios in a job or social setting that I learned early on to try to avoid them as much as possible. So, I have tended to move into the background and to follow the beat of a different drummer. Unfortunately, doing "my own thing" only seems to reinforce the notion for some folks that I think I'm better than everyone else!

For much of my life, it has felt like I can't win for losing. If I'm true to myself by staying away from social situations, I'm viewed as an anti-social weirdo. If I try to please others by involving myself in more social situations, I'm referred to as arrogant and condescending.

For many years, I couldn't decide which label was worse, so I yo-yoed between keeping entirely to myself and trying to be a social gadfly. In time, though, I realized that it was more important to be true to my strange nature, so I have chosen to withdraw from much of the social world.

It was one of the best decisions I ever made. I am much more at peace with my life now than I ever was in the past.

1 comment:

  1. Groete (greetings) Trey,

    I noticed this "NewScientist" article:

    "Should we rewrite the autism rule book?"

    http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg21328555.500

    'tho to me it seems Psychological labels/names (ADD, Schizophrenia, Autism) are tools to aid understanding & more helpful is the perception that this is a person experiencing ADD/Schizophrenia/Autism. We cannot walk in your shoes (or in the "shoes" of the butterfly at the dojo this week.) Perhaps the best humans can do for each other is keep each other company on the journey.

    Some years ago a friend of mine was 7 months pregnant. I chatted with her on the Friday. The following week I heard that the Monday 10am, when she went for a routine ultrasound there was no heartbeat. The baby (foetus) had died. The ceasarian was scheduled for 5:30pm that afternoon. Although a Ceasar is itself not more painful than abdominal surgery, her emotional & mental pain not to mention her soul pain was devastating. After all the "placebo-players" had comforted her I had a chance to say that in time she would find meaning that was meaningful to her regarding this very traumatic experience. All I could really do was, in a small way, keep her company. Funny thing language - "keep" as in treasure.

    May you find joy in unexpected places.

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