Trey Smith
It's interesting that I seem to need a source of conflict and disagreement, in order to have something to write about. This is not a bad thing is it?There is a beautiful song recorded by Céline Dion called The Power of Love. I think there can be no question that there is a wondrous creative energy that love produces. Yet, as the forces of yin and yang illustrate, a wondrous creative energy can be derived from angst as well.
I mean there is only so much poetry a person can write glorifying the beauty and perfection of a moment. When things are perfect I just want to sit and be and enjoy it, soaking in the moment of bliss in silence, only occasionally do I feel called to write about it. When there is nothing going wrong, I tend to not have much to say.
~ from Effortless Flow by Cym ~
In fact, in many ways, endlessly talking or writing about a problem or political issue or whatever, is a great way to avoid really dealing with it, really doing anything about it. It's easy to sit back and pop off about global warming, the 1%, political corruption, the hungry, the poor, the million different things a bleeding heart liberal like me can feel concerned about, but what it really achieves is a distancing, an objectivization, a rationalization... but not action.
~ from Notes from the Outside by Brandon ~
Many of the world's greatest poets, authors, actors, singers and other creative performers are people who have taken the festering sore of angst and transformed it into the fuel to create something that dazzles the eye and ear. While I certainly wouldn't refer to myself as a great songwriter, angst was the foundation of my once prodigious output.
Until my early 30s, I was an angst-ridden individual. It's a typical response by a person with autism to a world that you don't really understand. A common refrain from Aspies is the feeling that you are living on the Wrong Planet!
My estrangement from the world ran even deeper than that. It was in my early 30s that I received a definitive diagnosis of Klinefelter's Syndrome (often referred to these days as XXY Syndrome). It was discovered that my body was producing too little testosterone and this lack of hormone meant that I faced a double whammy. Not only did my brain interpret the world differently than the norm, but I lacked the emotional energy to deal with it!
My worldview changed drastically when I started on hormone replacement therapy (a therapy I continue to this day). It provided me with the emotional foundation to begin to deal with a great reservoir of angst.
On the whole, it has improved my life immensely. It has helped to strengthen me both mentally AND physically. However, for all the positives, it has robbed me of something dear -- my poetic voice.
Before my diagnosis, I was known as a [published] poet and songwriter. The angst that nearly drove me insane and to suicide served as a platform for me to create beautiful works of written art. Creative writing seemed to be the only way I could open the pressure valve in my soul to let out some of the steam. If I had been unable to write poetry then, I am certain I would have done in myself long, long ago.
As a result of the hormone replacement therapy, I was better equipped to deal with many emotional issues. In no time at all, the angst began to ebb and, as the angst oozed from my mind and body, I found I couldn't write poetry anymore. I tried hard to rekindle the creative magic, but it was gone.
I still deal with a lot of anxiety issues and my obsessive-compulsive disorder, but these aren't the same as my former angst. I still write -- this blog is a testament to that! -- but, for the most part, I've switched to expository writing because that's the only vehicle still open to me.
Do I miss my poetic voice? Hell yes!! That said, I don't wish to trade places with my former self. I'd rather be healthier than poetic.
But I do understand the idea that angst (or conflict) is an engine that can produce things of great beauty and movement. Angst, though painful, is needed. Our world would be far uglier without it.
Interesting. I started writing poetry out of late teenage angst, and started off with some depressing disasters of poems. It wasn't long before I started writing more and more of a positive nature, and using poetry less and less as a way to vent. Instead, I was focusing on the good, which was a therapy for me. As in, yeah, I hated my life, but was still able to see all this beauty and good around me, so it got me through, and eventually spread into the rest of my life.
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