One of the common questions I am asked is did you have a “relationship with God” ? Of course the implication is that since I am now an atheist I did not have a real relationship with God. If my relationship with God had been the real deal then I would still be a Christian. In their mind, once someone finds Jesus they would never, ever want to walk away from him. (even though the Bible says people do)As I'm sure any of you has realized, I am a very passionate person. I write passionately about the various topics on this blog. Back in my days of yore when I was a Christian (Presbyterian), I was just as passionate!
Such conversations or accusations leave a bitter taste in my mouth. It is as if I am not permitted to have my own experience with God or that I am not permitted to control my own storyline. Every Christian, it seems, has their own idea of what it is to have a relationship with God...
~ from Did You EVER Have a Relationship with God? at Fallen From Grace ~
I engaged in the type of behavior most Christians do. I read and studied the bible. I was involved in my church -- I delivered a sermon from the pulpit and taught Sunday School. I prayed and I worked to develop a relationship with Jesus and God.
But for all my passion and all my devotion, I think I had a lot more doubts about faith than most believers. Time and time again -- when engaged in prayer, deep thought and study -- the Christian depiction of the world didn't match up for me. There simply were too many contradictions and inconsistencies for my rational mind to synthesize.
During my teens and early 20s, I tended to repress these doubts because it made me uncomfortable to...question God and his infinite wisdom. In time, however, I had to come face-to-face with my doubts and, once I allowed them to come rushing out, I realized that I could no longer call myself a Christian. As much as I may have wanted to, the plain truth was that I didn't think the Christian God was the real deal.
At this point in my life, I spent quite a bit of time investigating liberal Christian traditions like the Quakers and the United Church of Christ. But even these were moored to the bible in some sense and, since the bible is God's word and I no longer accepted the premise of God, I decided to walk beyond them.
And I have kept walking ever since. :-)
jesus is a gateway drug
ReplyDeleteWeird how hybridelephant's comment could be taken either way.
ReplyDeleteI think doubt is far more common among believers than you might think, Trey. It's just that they're trained not to think about it, let alone to talk about it.
I'm fortunate that for myself, such training never took. I was always a doubter, despite a religious upbringing (including Catholic school K-8). At first, of course, it was just not believing the fairy tales of the Old Testament; and I would debate evolution with my friend and neighbor as a very small child, say, age 6 or 7; we'd scream at each other over it, haha. I'm also fortunate that my family never "corrected" me, they always gave me science books when I wanted them. They let me think.
Brandon raises an interesting notion: the distinction between training and teaching. The difference between inculcation of values and the demonstration of them.
ReplyDelete