It's difficult to live with a secret. Some such secrets are born by the fact that the information may serve to embarrass us, others might treat us differently and/or society as a whole hasn't really come to grips with particular aspects of life. Some people hold their secrets close to the vest for their entire lives, only telling a few close confidantes or, in some cases, never breathing a word to a soul. Others, however, find the courage and "come out."
Last night I read of one such story, "‘My Teacher Is a Lesbian’: Coming Out at School" by Jody Sokolower. She discusses coming out to her middle school students.
Recently, I finally summonsed the courage to "come out" from under a secret I have harbored for nearly 40 years. Until I revealed it to my mental health counselor, I had never, ever as much as hinted about this issue to anyone, including my parents, brother or wife.
So, what is my secret? I hear voices and I not infrequently see things that aren't there.
The main reason I never mentioned this to anyone before AND I have had trouble even admitting it to myself is that auditory and visual hallucinations are signs of schizophrenia (among a few other possibilities). I always rationalized to myself that schizos are crazy people and I'm not crazy!
When I was originally diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder, I pooh-poohed the diagnosis. I assured Bill (my therapist) that I didn't truly meet the stated criteria, two of which are auditory and visual hallucinations. Even though my relationship with Bill is very open and frank, this was one bridge I wasn't ready to cross yet.
It ended up taking me nearly 2 years to come clean. I must admit that it is a relief that I no longer have to lug around this secret.
The first thing Bill said we needed to determine was if the hallucinations -- which are infrequent but recurrent -- could be explained organically. That's why last week I had an MRI and EEG. It is important to rule out the possibility of a brain tumor or some other biological explanation. I should get my results from these two tests by the middle of this week.
If the test results show nothing out of the ordinary, then we will proceed on the mental health track, including the possibility of working in conjunction with a psychiatrist.
In a later post today, I'll share some information on my visual hallucinations. I don't think I'm ready to write a post about the voices just yet. Suffice it to say, the voices are quite disturbing, though I have been relatively successful throughout my life at developing my own weird strategies to drown them out.
Last night I read of one such story, "‘My Teacher Is a Lesbian’: Coming Out at School" by Jody Sokolower. She discusses coming out to her middle school students.
Recently, I finally summonsed the courage to "come out" from under a secret I have harbored for nearly 40 years. Until I revealed it to my mental health counselor, I had never, ever as much as hinted about this issue to anyone, including my parents, brother or wife.
So, what is my secret? I hear voices and I not infrequently see things that aren't there.
The main reason I never mentioned this to anyone before AND I have had trouble even admitting it to myself is that auditory and visual hallucinations are signs of schizophrenia (among a few other possibilities). I always rationalized to myself that schizos are crazy people and I'm not crazy!
When I was originally diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder, I pooh-poohed the diagnosis. I assured Bill (my therapist) that I didn't truly meet the stated criteria, two of which are auditory and visual hallucinations. Even though my relationship with Bill is very open and frank, this was one bridge I wasn't ready to cross yet.
It ended up taking me nearly 2 years to come clean. I must admit that it is a relief that I no longer have to lug around this secret.
The first thing Bill said we needed to determine was if the hallucinations -- which are infrequent but recurrent -- could be explained organically. That's why last week I had an MRI and EEG. It is important to rule out the possibility of a brain tumor or some other biological explanation. I should get my results from these two tests by the middle of this week.
If the test results show nothing out of the ordinary, then we will proceed on the mental health track, including the possibility of working in conjunction with a psychiatrist.
In a later post today, I'll share some information on my visual hallucinations. I don't think I'm ready to write a post about the voices just yet. Suffice it to say, the voices are quite disturbing, though I have been relatively successful throughout my life at developing my own weird strategies to drown them out.
Your courage is an inspiration! I wish you all the best and I'm sure you know that your courage will help many others who are still closeted for whatever reason.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you keep up with much in the Buddhist on-line world, but a friend, James Ure, a Buddhist blogger and Zen practitioner (which is heavily influenced by Taoism), writes frequently about his life and practice with Schizophrenia and bi-polarism.
ReplyDeleteHere is a link to one of his posts:
http://thebuddhistblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/buddhism-and-sitting-with-depression.html
Thank you for sharing this with us.
ReplyDeleteAt times I have been very ashamed of my anxiety.
Even though we're dealing with different things...you make me feel less alone. :)
Great courageous posting. I think everybody has terrifying secrets about themselves that they are hiding (unconsciously) buried in the garrison of their personalities. This is a main reason we are so protective of our characters. There is a movie titled "The Reader" that is a great watch on this very subject. It is a movie about two people with each having their own secrets that had theirs lives bound like a tether. There is a courtroom scene in the movie the exhibits what price we will pay to defend our secret.
ReplyDelete"The Reader" is a fascinating movie on so many levels.
ReplyDeleteIt's the secrets we keep only to ourselves that form the basis of the ego, methinks. The solid, dark core we won't face with or let go of for fear of shame, embarasment, and all the other effects, real or imagined.
ReplyDeleteSo know that you're making big steps forward in coming out on these things. Good job sir.
Thank you for sharing your secret. I have a family member, a sibling, who has experienced both visual and auditory hallucinations. In her case, a combination of some talk-therapy and medication helps. If something happens with the medication, the sounds/voices/visions, come back.
ReplyDeleteI said this before but I'll say it again. I'm learning a lot from you.