Just Beat It

I remember when Michael Jackson's mega hit, Beat It (see below), first hit the airwaves. The title reminded a lot of young people of a solitary pursuit that polite people never talk about! It became the punchline in many jokes like Devo's hit, Whip It (Whip It gooood).

Yes, beating it, whipping it and wanking it have been in the news lately thanks to GOP senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell via comedian Bill Maher. In fact, in O'Donnell's most recent campaign ad, she informs Delaware voters that, "I'm you".

A recent study indicates that, if she is us, then she likes to masturbate -- which seems ironic since she has led public campaigns against masturbation. Of course, this could represent another example of a conservative being doubly guilty of what he or she rails about. If public homophobes are secretly homosexual themselves and anti-illegal immigration zealots employ illegal immigrants, then maybe all O'Donnell's stance means is that she can't get enough of herself. :-D

Among people 70 or older, according to preliminary data from the study, published October 1 in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 80 percent of men and 58 percent of women have masturbated solo over a lifetime. Not bad, but the figures increase with each younger age cohort until we find a veritable generation of wankers, people age 25 to 29, whose lifetime rates peak at 94 percent among men and 84 percent among women. Masturbating with a partner is skewing in the same generational direction, only more dramatically.

It's not unexpected that men across the ages masturbate (or admit to it) at higher rates than women, but the study holds a few surprises. There hasn't been a broad national survey of sexual behavior in America since 1992, and this is the first to include old people and teenagers and the first to ask about mutual masturbation, among other things. Who could have guessed that more than 57 percent of old ladies in noncohabiting relationships were rousing themselves to ecstasy in their homes between March and May of 2009, when the data were collected? America may not rightfully be called a civilized society, but at least the human spirit endures in handmade fun...

Let's face it, pleasure is...well...pleasurable. Pleasure with somebody else can be grand, but it can be just as fabulous all on your lonesome.

Now I'm aching for the day when a political candidate will look straight into the camera to say, "I'm you. I masturbate and I'm not ashamed to admit it."