Daodejing, Verse 81

Daodejing - Other Voices

Which Wolf Will Win?
...Some people have such turbulence in their lives, their romantic lives, their friendships, life in general, that they conduct their relationships, their lives in a chaotic manner, even if intent is good the methods are often harsh, turbulent and cause more harm than good even though thye might not always intend that harm.

Someone i know had a friend of theirs 'confront' them about a choice that person had made that this person disagreed with vehemently; it should be noted at this time that the problem (though private so confidential) was a small one, a matter of perspective only and any agreement or disagreement moderatly and fairly expressed was imaterial: - Anyway, this 'friend' proceeded to be 'honest', is that way that is fairly horrible to observe, 'honest' as a form of condesention and patronisation, as if the onyl possible way to see the situation was from their perspective, and any compromises offered where worthless, even though the compromise would have eased the situation completely and been much more nourishing to all.

As an observer of these events and having been invovled in one or two myself in both the above roles -- a few thoughts struck me.

In dealing with such situations it is so easy to be lured by pride and ego to respond in kind, or similarly, to 'feed' both the situation and the less nourishing aspects of ourselves.

Sometimes folks who initiated these situations will do so with good intentions and if 'daoists' often use TTC verses such as 81 to explain their actions.

Chapter 81
True words are not beautiful
Beautiful words are not true
Those who are good do not debate
Those who debate are not good
Those who know are not broad of knowledge
Those who are broad of knowledge do not know

Sages do not accumulate
The more they assist others, the more they possess
The more they give to others, the more they gain

The Tao of heaven
Benefits and does not harm
The Tao of sages
Assists and does not contend

Yet in actuality TTC 81 speaks of the opposite of what folks often think, it is not advocating being harsh and contending; if there is a problem we feel firmly about then we have to choose which wolf we let influence our actions and behaviour; which wolf will we feed?

Will we bring contention into our lives and the lives of others; if contention and turbulence is how we interact will we even be aware of how our actions hurt those around us who are not comfortable with turbulent and contentious interactions? Whilst they are baffled by our response and attitude, perhaps we are baffled by their hurt and bafflement, afterall we have only been 'honest'? right? or perhaps we have forgotten what TTC 81 speaks of the sages bearing in mind when action is required -- 'cause and effect' -- once we have been thoughtless of the feelings of others, of friends, loved ones etc, then this often causes hurt and bafflement, even if we feel stringently we are in the 'right' -- the TTC and yi jing, speak both overtly and implicitly about 'cause and effect' and choosing our paths and actions carefully, with thought for those around us, with what buddhists refer to as 'mindfullness' or 'awareness'.

If 'you' (generic label) are in the 'wrong' and someone gave you no benefit of the doubt, cut 'you' no slack and just criticised endlessly whenever that person disagreed, be the issue large or small, would 'you' be more inclined to remember any 'points' raised or just the acrimony exhibited? Human nature being what it is most of us, including advanced dao cultivators remember the acrimony and any points get lost by the wayside.

What if we had what we felt was a 'valid' point that we felt needed consideration and instead of cutting foks no slack, giving no benefit of the doubt, instead of being 'honest' we did it carefully, with awareness, mindfullness and kindness, if the person didn't listen then no harm is done, what the yi jing would call 'no fault' if they do and we create a nourishing situation then we have a situation the yi jing would call 'auspicious'.

In the situation which prompted this post my friend and their 'friend' are barely speaking, avoiding each other and in the words of my friend "i do not know whether 'X' is the person i thought she was, i do not know if i ma the person i thought i was, all i know is these situations have worn me down to a nervous mess around her" -- in such a situation, regardless of whom was 'right' initially there is no 'auspicious' situation ahead nor any 'no fault' either -- ultimatly no-one was 'right' or nourished.

Perhaps, just perhaps, instead of doing it 'honestly but thoughtlessly' and offering no apology when brought to our notice or ignoring and refusing any compromises folks offer or make before we become 'righteous' and 'honest' at people, exhibiting our turbulent preferences, we should think which 'cause and effect' will i begin -- if we wish to be honest we should first ask ourselves 'which wolf will win?'
~ from Drops of Water, author Becca James, original post date: 7/19/09 ~

This post is part of a series. For an introduction, go here.