When a colleague, friend or loved one experiences a serious physical or emotional hurt, it's not uncommon for most people to say something like, "I feel your pain" and mean it genuinely. Empathy is the ability to feel another person's anguish as if it is your own.
Like so many people with Asperger's Syndrome, I am bereft of empathy. No matter how I try, it is an emotion that simply does not bubble out of me. I may feel bad or sorry that someone I know is having a rough go of it, but I am incapable of feeling that person's pain as if I myself was experiencing it.
I was reminded of this limitation just awhile ago. My wife and I were playing with our young and overly rambunctious dog, Jasmine. At one point, doggie dear jumped up on Della and her front paw and claws sort of got caught in the soft skin on my wife's inner thigh. She let out a scream and was on the verge of tears. I sat there as if I was watching a documentary on moldy bread!
I could see that my wife was in a lot of pain and I felt bad that she was experiencing such, but that's as far as it goes with me. In a rather flat voice, I asked, "Does it hurt?" Della screamed back, "Of course, it hurts!!!"
And as she writhed in pain, I continued to sit there as if I was on the beach on a sunny day. In all honesty, I really tried to put myself in her place, so that I could imagine the kind of pain she was experiencing. Unfortunately, not unlike any other time in my life, I drew a complete blank!
When we were both younger, my lack of empathy really bugged Della. However, now that we both understand that this lack is not due to a non-caring attitude and simply is a part of my neurological makeup, it doesn't get under her skin as before. Still, I often wish I could conjure up just a teeny bit of it because it is what most people expect in such situations. The best I can do is offer sympathy.
The ability to empathize is not part of my nature and I just have to learn to accept it for what it is.
Like so many people with Asperger's Syndrome, I am bereft of empathy. No matter how I try, it is an emotion that simply does not bubble out of me. I may feel bad or sorry that someone I know is having a rough go of it, but I am incapable of feeling that person's pain as if I myself was experiencing it.
I was reminded of this limitation just awhile ago. My wife and I were playing with our young and overly rambunctious dog, Jasmine. At one point, doggie dear jumped up on Della and her front paw and claws sort of got caught in the soft skin on my wife's inner thigh. She let out a scream and was on the verge of tears. I sat there as if I was watching a documentary on moldy bread!
I could see that my wife was in a lot of pain and I felt bad that she was experiencing such, but that's as far as it goes with me. In a rather flat voice, I asked, "Does it hurt?" Della screamed back, "Of course, it hurts!!!"
And as she writhed in pain, I continued to sit there as if I was on the beach on a sunny day. In all honesty, I really tried to put myself in her place, so that I could imagine the kind of pain she was experiencing. Unfortunately, not unlike any other time in my life, I drew a complete blank!
When we were both younger, my lack of empathy really bugged Della. However, now that we both understand that this lack is not due to a non-caring attitude and simply is a part of my neurological makeup, it doesn't get under her skin as before. Still, I often wish I could conjure up just a teeny bit of it because it is what most people expect in such situations. The best I can do is offer sympathy.
The ability to empathize is not part of my nature and I just have to learn to accept it for what it is.
"I feel your pain" and mean it genuinely.
ReplyDeleteI understand your point that you're unable to feel that. But let me assure you, the other people don't feel it either. They're just saying so. What they should really say is,
I am trying really hard to make myself feel bad so I can feel like you do.
That's what they really mean.
I daresay that what Asperger's gives you is the inability to lie to yourself and others and to say things you don't really mean, like cliches.
Wow! My husband is so much like you. I really wonder if he has AS.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I'm carrying a heavy load and about to drop dead and if I am lucky he will say, "Do you need help?"
Two days ago I screamed at him, "There isn't one compassionate cell in your body."
Yet he is a good man, and I can see that. It's pretty weird.
Yes. Asperger's. That's a real condition.
ReplyDeleteAsperger's is a VERY REAL condition that afflicts millions! of internet users. It is a MILD FORM of AUTISM, very real! and easily self-diagnosed from reading the Wikipedia article about Asperger's! If anyone tries to DOWNPLAY your mild autism, The Rambling Taoist, remind them that autism is very real and your mild autism is a VERY REAL condition called ASPERGER'S. If they question it, you can even say you've had a diagnosis from a REAL DOCTOR (even though we can't trust experts, unless they are google university experts like ourselves!)! Asperger's is nothing to laugh about, it is a REAL internet DISEASE and it afflicts many fat people who find themselves awkward in social situations and unable to respond emotionally to things even though they recognize that they should be responding emotionally! How many of us had a poor time at our middle school dances because we never learned to dance (BECAUSE OF MILD AUTISM)?
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, the inability to feel empathy, is also the distinguishing trademark of the psychopath. In fact it is the inability "to feel another's pain" emphatically, that makes it all the more easier for someone to inflict pain, or to feel indifferent to the pain and suffering of another, such as a serial killer, or one who mistreats animals.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'm not calling you a psychopath, just thought I'd mention the connection, in case you or your readers were unaware of it.
Cym,
ReplyDeleteThe difference between someone with Asperger's and a psychopath is that the former tend to feel very guilty and remorseful when it's pointed out to them that they have hurt another person's feeling or wronged them in some way. The problem is that we tend not to pick up on these things on our own.
Anon,
ReplyDeleteYou should read up on autism spectrum disorders. There's a continuum from mild to severe and Asperger's falls in the moderate range (mid point).
If you really believe you have "mid point" autism, you're fucking deluded! That comment just shows you have absolutely no experience with autism. You're like the kid who told everyone he was color blind and allergic to bees because he liked the attention. Have fun pretending you're special.
ReplyDeletei used to work with a child with asperger's syndrome and he was for the most part a normal child. he would just say strange things out of context every once in a while. i went to classes through my work because it was a requirement of teaching this little boy, and they had a bunch of people with aspergers answer questions. the people there were very varied in their behavior. some were extremely introverted and did things that make them seem mentally challenged, some that were very extroverted and very good at being funny... some that acted just like the every day joe. just because you are not severely handicapped by your condition doesn't mean you don't have one.
ReplyDeleteand btw, i think i am a psychopath, BECAUSE i have such a heightened empathy. :) i find being in pain a fun experience and want to share it with the rest of y'all. :D
oh wait, that was just a character i always wanted to write a book about... never mind. ;)
btw i agree with lorena. no one really feels another's pain. they just pretend to. or seeing someone else in pain brings up memories of when they too were in pain and that evokes emotion. that's all "empathy" really is. a person can express concern without empathy.
ReplyDeletebtw, when a wife is in pain or doing something difficult, the correct response from a husband is, "can i do anything to make you feel better?" :P honestly that's all women want from a guy.
Iktomi: In reference to empathizing with someone, to say that you "feel their pain", doesn't mean that you literally feel it, as in actually sharing in the physical sensation of being in pain. To say that truly would be a lie, unless you are extremely clairvoyant or something. But rather what it means in this context is that you understand their pain. Perhaps because having been in pain yourself, or having been in a similar set of circumstances at some other time, you can relate to it, and that is when it would be appropriate to say that you feel someone's pain. At least, that is the meaning I intended in my comment here.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, personally I don't think I'd even use that phraseology: I feel your pain. It is a pretty lame expression. A poor choice of words, that probably is often used dishonestly. A person could say it without actually feeling any empathy at all. So I guess I could understand your objections to it.
ReplyDeleteFor further clarification, here are some useful word definitions, copied and pasted from Google Search, using the query define:
ReplyDeleteDefinitions of empathy on the Web:
1. understanding and entering into another's feelings
2. empathic - showing empathy or ready comprehension of others' states
3. A sense of shared experience, including emotional and physical feelings, with someone or something other than oneself.
4. The ability to put one's self into the psychological frame of reference or point of view of another, to feel what another feels.
5. The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another
Definitions of feel on the Web:
1. undergo an emotional sensation or be in a particular state of mind;
2. be conscious of a physical, mental, or emotional state;
3. an intuitive awareness;