One theme that we meet again and again throughout the 81 verses in the Tao Te Ching is this idea that turning against one's own nature creates problems. Both Nina Correa and Diane Dreher
have underlined the point that, by not allowing ourselves to be who we really are, we generate stress and tension that results in anxiety, pain and disease.
As I have been working my way through the series on the TTC, I have taken these thoughts to heart and, recently, I have come to understand how this principle has influenced my life. For more than one decade, I tried to be something I am not and I'm suffering the consequences now.
As I have detailed in this space many times before, I'm a very introspective and introverted person. Since my formative years, I've been out-of-step with most of the world. I loathe crowds (particularly social gatherings) and spend the majority of my time alone -- usually deep in thought.
For the first 30 years of my life, I tended to keep to myself. This is not to say that I didn't have any friends -- I had several -- but my life was very compartmentalized. I spent time with a small group of pals (both individually and collectively), but always needed a lot of alone time to recharge.
To provide an example, as a young person, one of my favorite activities was hiking. I hiked all over the area in and around Hot Springs, AR. Most of these excursions were solitary ones. From time to time, a family member, friend or one particular girlfriend (my "now" wife, Della) would accompany me, but I didn't really enjoy the company!!
I felt most energized and spiritual when it was simply me and nature. When other people were there, I felt crowded. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have a very large "personal space" and hiking with another person always made me feel as if that space was being invaded.
In addition, when someone is with you, a modicum of conversation is expected. When I hiked alone, it was sort of like energetic meditation. Consequently, the expectation of conversation interrupted my contemplative state.
In the summer of 1990, I entered Grad School at age 33. My chosen degree was a MS in Social Science with a political philosophy emphasis. Up until that juncture, I had been rather apolitical. About the only political thing I did each year was vote. Other than that, I generally ignored politics.
I had always considered myself a liberal, but, after reading a lot of the works of Karl Marx, I realized I was a quasi-Marxist! (I say quasi simply because, unlike a lot of dogmatic Marxists, I didn't view the man as a god-like figure. While I think his analysis of the modern world is spot on in many areas, I also grant he got several things wrong.)
As I studied the political process, it began to dawn on me that almost everything in our lives is, at least, small p political. Politics permeates families, social groups, companies, churches, and, of course, government. If I wanted to help affect positive social changes, I needed to get more involved in the political process.
Of course, this created a serious dilemma for me. To become more involved in the process meant I would need to become extroverted because the only way one can be influential WITH groups is if one is an active participant IN groups. With much soul searching and trepidation, I slowly eased myself into the kiddie pool. In time, I found myself in a crowded swimming pool at the adult end!
Not only did I become involved in many progressive organizations, but I served as a leader in many of them. I organized conferences, led marches and demonstrations, conducted workshops, and testified before state and local government bodies. On three occasions, I ran for public office: governor, congress and the local transit board.
However, almost all of these public activities made me very uncomfortable and, as I've detailed here before, I still kept the masses at arm's length. I was always looking for a way to escape -- even if only for a few minutes or an hour or so -- to get by myself to allow me that precious alone time. My favorite escape strategy was to disappear at lunchtime -- when everyone else was networking and socializing. It became a common joke amongst my colleagues as almost everyone got to play the "Where did Trey go?" game.
All this public involvement went against my nature. While I have suffered with Asperger's, Klinefelter's and arthritis all my life, my physical and neurological problems began to intensify during this period. I began to encounter serious bouts of fatigue, tremors, vertigo and intense pain. As the 1990s turned into the 21st century, my health was going downhill rapidly.
It was during this time that I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and my Asperger's tendencies were becoming more and more prevalent. It got to the point in which I realized I simply couldn't keep going this way. I was driving myself mad. And so, slowly but surely, I began to deactivate my public self. Today, I border upon being a hermit.
This whole experience has provided me with a valuable lesson. By fighting against my own nature, I unwittingly exacerbated many of my maladies and changed manageable conditions into hard to manage ones. I created enormous amounts of internal stress and tension by trying to be someone I am not.
Today, I'm wrestling with the fallout in my experiment in extroversion. My overall health is only so-so and I don't think it will ever be right again. That said, I'm much more content with my solitary lifestyle than before. I no longer beat myself up for being a loner. I no longer push myself to fit into other people's external definitions.
I'm now living WITHIN -- not against -- my nature. My chief way of connecting with the world is through my writings on this blog.
My purpose in writing this long personal reflection today is the hope that it can serve as a warning to others to try to live the life consistent with the person you are. When we try to be who we are not, we often create the framework for our own downfall. This has certainly proven to be the case for me.
have underlined the point that, by not allowing ourselves to be who we really are, we generate stress and tension that results in anxiety, pain and disease.As I have been working my way through the series on the TTC, I have taken these thoughts to heart and, recently, I have come to understand how this principle has influenced my life. For more than one decade, I tried to be something I am not and I'm suffering the consequences now.
As I have detailed in this space many times before, I'm a very introspective and introverted person. Since my formative years, I've been out-of-step with most of the world. I loathe crowds (particularly social gatherings) and spend the majority of my time alone -- usually deep in thought.
For the first 30 years of my life, I tended to keep to myself. This is not to say that I didn't have any friends -- I had several -- but my life was very compartmentalized. I spent time with a small group of pals (both individually and collectively), but always needed a lot of alone time to recharge.
To provide an example, as a young person, one of my favorite activities was hiking. I hiked all over the area in and around Hot Springs, AR. Most of these excursions were solitary ones. From time to time, a family member, friend or one particular girlfriend (my "now" wife, Della) would accompany me, but I didn't really enjoy the company!!
I felt most energized and spiritual when it was simply me and nature. When other people were there, I felt crowded. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have a very large "personal space" and hiking with another person always made me feel as if that space was being invaded.
In addition, when someone is with you, a modicum of conversation is expected. When I hiked alone, it was sort of like energetic meditation. Consequently, the expectation of conversation interrupted my contemplative state.
In the summer of 1990, I entered Grad School at age 33. My chosen degree was a MS in Social Science with a political philosophy emphasis. Up until that juncture, I had been rather apolitical. About the only political thing I did each year was vote. Other than that, I generally ignored politics.
I had always considered myself a liberal, but, after reading a lot of the works of Karl Marx, I realized I was a quasi-Marxist! (I say quasi simply because, unlike a lot of dogmatic Marxists, I didn't view the man as a god-like figure. While I think his analysis of the modern world is spot on in many areas, I also grant he got several things wrong.)
As I studied the political process, it began to dawn on me that almost everything in our lives is, at least, small p political. Politics permeates families, social groups, companies, churches, and, of course, government. If I wanted to help affect positive social changes, I needed to get more involved in the political process.
Of course, this created a serious dilemma for me. To become more involved in the process meant I would need to become extroverted because the only way one can be influential WITH groups is if one is an active participant IN groups. With much soul searching and trepidation, I slowly eased myself into the kiddie pool. In time, I found myself in a crowded swimming pool at the adult end!
Not only did I become involved in many progressive organizations, but I served as a leader in many of them. I organized conferences, led marches and demonstrations, conducted workshops, and testified before state and local government bodies. On three occasions, I ran for public office: governor, congress and the local transit board.
However, almost all of these public activities made me very uncomfortable and, as I've detailed here before, I still kept the masses at arm's length. I was always looking for a way to escape -- even if only for a few minutes or an hour or so -- to get by myself to allow me that precious alone time. My favorite escape strategy was to disappear at lunchtime -- when everyone else was networking and socializing. It became a common joke amongst my colleagues as almost everyone got to play the "Where did Trey go?" game.
All this public involvement went against my nature. While I have suffered with Asperger's, Klinefelter's and arthritis all my life, my physical and neurological problems began to intensify during this period. I began to encounter serious bouts of fatigue, tremors, vertigo and intense pain. As the 1990s turned into the 21st century, my health was going downhill rapidly.
It was during this time that I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and my Asperger's tendencies were becoming more and more prevalent. It got to the point in which I realized I simply couldn't keep going this way. I was driving myself mad. And so, slowly but surely, I began to deactivate my public self. Today, I border upon being a hermit.
This whole experience has provided me with a valuable lesson. By fighting against my own nature, I unwittingly exacerbated many of my maladies and changed manageable conditions into hard to manage ones. I created enormous amounts of internal stress and tension by trying to be someone I am not.
Today, I'm wrestling with the fallout in my experiment in extroversion. My overall health is only so-so and I don't think it will ever be right again. That said, I'm much more content with my solitary lifestyle than before. I no longer beat myself up for being a loner. I no longer push myself to fit into other people's external definitions.
I'm now living WITHIN -- not against -- my nature. My chief way of connecting with the world is through my writings on this blog.
My purpose in writing this long personal reflection today is the hope that it can serve as a warning to others to try to live the life consistent with the person you are. When we try to be who we are not, we often create the framework for our own downfall. This has certainly proven to be the case for me.
Wow. You don't know how much this helped me! I've been shy and introverted all my life. Since I was a young boy everybody around me has made me feel like shit for being shy. You HAVE to go out and socialize, you HAVE to go and talk to people. And it was the worst thing in the world, because you can't just make somebody do that. I'd get all nervous and freak out, and start acting like a fool because I was out of my place.
ReplyDeleteNow that I'm older my family doesn't bother me about it, but my friends do. Why don't you go out to parties? Why don't you get a girlfriend? And now I realize that I don't have to justify myself anymore. I don't do those things because that's me. I might turn it around and ask them why they don't sit by themselves and read or take walks alone like I do.
Thank you for this post. I feel much better about who I am :-)
One thing I didn't mention is that, while I'm very introverted, I'm not shy at all. Go figure! : )
ReplyDeleteThat said, it can be so difficult when society has expectations for certain people. The pressure can be immense -- both externally and internally -- to conform to make things go more "smoothly" and to keep others off your back. Unfortunately, while the exterior water may appear placid, torrents are running roughshod through our internal system, creating disease and imbalance along the way.
At this point in my life, I'd rather disappoint others than make myself sick.
I am also an introvert but not shy. a lot of people don't understand how that can be. I can manage in groups just fine but I need a lot of solitude. I think it's just knowing ourselves that is important and then not trying to be something someone else wants us to be.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your blog, I have ended many of my days reading it and it really brings me back to reality again. I read somewhere once that you can never become anything other than yourself and unless you become yourself you cannot be happy.
ReplyDeleteYeah, your description of yourself up to your early 30's totally describes me all the way, and also I am an introvert who is not shy, contrary to what some of my family members may have to say about it! I am a highly sensitive person with an INTJ/INTF personality type, but from what I've read about it, I do not believe that I have Asperger's. I can and do empathize with people, am good at reading people's feelings and body language, but even though I've have had some close friendships in my life, I honestly do not much enjoy being around people, especially crowds, primarily because they wear me out psychically.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes I am well aware of the negative stigma in our society against introverts and loners, but I say, just as I don't put too much stock in what politicians or network news anchors have to say, I don't really much care about what the status quo of a dysfunctional sick society has to say either. What really matters is: for each of us to find the courage and strength to be true to ourselves, because unless you are true to yourself you cannot be true to others.
Have you ever seen that movie Minority Report starring Tom Cruise? In that movie, there were these people called Empaths...who were used by police to foresee future crimes, so the police could arrest criminals before committing the crime, thereby eliminating all crime. These empaths were extreme psychic and highly sensitive people, who had to be isolated from the general population, because otherwise they would receive too much information at once, which would overload their system.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking something similar is happening with extremely sensitive and introverted people: because their minds are operating on a much higher frequency, and constantly inwardly processing their thoughts and information from their environment, they feel overloaded by people. Perhaps this may be because at a psychic level, people carry a stronger energetic signature than nature, are operating at a higher rate of frequency in general, and sensitive people pick up on that subconsciously, that if they are around people for too long or around too many people their psychic batteries become overloaded by all the over stimulation.
Spontaneous Poetics: If you listen to the status quo of society, they'll tell you you're sick, when in reality you may have really received a special gift, but without an instruction manual and everyone telling you you are wrong, its difficult to find the courage and strength to be strong and the person where you belong. There's nothing wrong with introversion, there's nothing wrong with spending time alone, as long as you are not hiding, or causing other people harm.
Regarding your former political aspirations, how about be a writer instead, rather than a public politician. And yeah, you are already a writer because you write this, but I'm talking about writing books, perhaps on a political theme. Write about the changes you would like to implement. Write about what you would do if you became governor or congressman or president, or whatever. Leave it up to a more outgoing public personality, someone who feeds off the energy of people in a positive way, someone who genuinely loves being around people, leave it to that person to publicly represent your ideas, there's plenty of people like that. Being a writer is the perfect gig for an introvert. I don't see how you can't do everything you wanted to accomplish as a politician, as a writer.
ReplyDeleteI've come to think of it not as introversion but sensitivity. We are simply more sensitive to what we feel, and when we ignore that, it comes back to bite us as physical pain and problems. Unlike you with your Aspbergers, I also pick up pretty much everything other people are thinking and feeling, which makes crowds extremely uncomfortable for me. I enjoy people one on one and in small numbers. At parties or events I will typically find a small group to mingle with, rather than trying to greet everyone. And am not shy either. Cym, I think you have it right, we just pick up so much more...
ReplyDeleteOnline and asynchronous communication seems to suit us well, tho!
Cym,
ReplyDeleteYou offer a lot to chew on!
I've never watched the movie you referenced. However, I can tell you that I certainly wouldn't be an Empath. I generally have no idea what others are thinking or feeling and, when I try to guess, I'm almost always incorrect!!
You mentioned that introversion is not bad unless a person is hiding. Well, to be frank, I'm at a point in my life in which I AM hiding. I hide because I no longer trust myself in any kind of meaningful relationships with folks outside of my wife and family, for reasons I've detailed before and can be found under the Asperger's tag.
And I should mention that I actually don't really have political candidate aspirations. As one of the leaders of two small parties (Socialist Party and, later, the Green Party), the leaders were expected to serve as role models for our general membership and this often meant volunteering to be a candidate. Had I not been in a leadership role, I NEVER would have volunteered in the first place. ;)
Donna,
ReplyDeleteYou (and Cym previously) may have hit on something. I would agree that I tend to pick up more data and vibes when in large groups, but, unlike the two of you, my problem is that I can't make any sense of it!! It's like my head is filled with thousands of voices interspersed with a large amount of static. Large groups wear me out physically AND emotionally.
As to the difference between introversion and shyness, I'm the kind of person who can walk up to almost anybody and launch into a conversation like I've known them all my life. Of course, because of my off-beat sense of humor and the rather arcane subjects I expound on (Taoism, for one example), I'm sure that many people wish I was shy!!
Rambling Taoist: What I mean by hiding is, if you avoid people primarily because you fear them, (agoraphobia, social anxiety), I would personally classify that as a symptom of a mental imbalance, which is neither physically or mentally healthy. But whatever your reason, it is probably for the best that you do whatever makes you feel comfortable.
ReplyDeleteYou should see that movie Minority Report, it's a film adaptation of a Philip K. Dick story.
I guess I don't really know very much about Asperger's, and as far as I know I haven't ever met anyone in person diagnosed with it, but if I did that would offer much more insight into it then what can be gathered from written materials. However, I understand it is a relatively newly discovered disorder. Maybe it's been around for a long time, but it was only recently given a name, right? And it's important to understand that new disorders are commonly misunderstood disorders.
I guess I'm just naturally skeptical of the American Psychiatric Association, whose specialty is treatment rather than cures or prevention, whose primary method of approaching all mental illness is to get people addicted to medication for the rest of their lives, and thereby encouraging a sort of complacent acceptance of being mentally diseased for life, rather than trying to discover the root cause of the problem and the role of mind, your habitual patterns of thinking, your history, your diet, nutritional factors. There's just a whole lot more to mental illness, than biology and genetics.
The fact that people with aspergers are articulate and tend to be very intelligent and well read and educated people, perhaps more so on average than the typical person without Aspergers, I just think their MUST be something positive about it that is being overlooked by the Psychiatric community, because by seeing it exclusively as a mental disorder, they are only looking at its weaknesses and not paying enough attention to its strengths, what people with Aspergers tend to be better at then people without it.
Sorry about these really long comments, but I'm just really fascinated by this topic and haven't had the chance to talk about with anyone lately.
Cym,
ReplyDeleteOne of the reasons I "hide" from people is severe social anxiety which is not uncommon for folks with either Asperger's or Klinefelters.
Actually, aspies run the gamut. It's a bit of a misnomer that we're all super brains. There are just as many aspies with an average IQ. However, what differentiates Asperger's from other forms of autism is that aspies tend to be far more articulate that those will full-blown autism.
In addition, there are some perks to being an aspie. It's not all negative -- the negativity manifests itself in being unable to navigate the mainstream world in which most other people are wired so differently.
So you live in a state of fear, unless you remain close to home, in a cocoon of safety and familiarity? Has the Tao Te Ching anything to say about this, about hiding, about courage and fear, and about trust, or the lack of trust in yourself or in others?
ReplyDeleteI say this just to give you something to think about, and is not meant as a question you must answer to me, but rather a question to ask yourself.
Thanks for all your thoughtful responses.