For the past few days I've been cleaning. In the loosest of senses, I decided to apply a little feng shui to my specific living spaces. I've always been a very cluttered person with piles and stacks of things everywhere I look. Since I have to deal with chronic physical and neurological issues, I decided I would try to unclutter my space to promote a better flow of energy.
The thought here is that a better flow of energy in the space around me will help create a better flow of energy within me. I know that it's already worked somewhat as the first space I tackled was my bedroom and, now that the clutter has been removed, I have have awakened the past two mornings feeling a little more refreshed.
As I was sifting my way through the clutter in my bedroom, I came across a little satchel of old letters I hadn't eyed for many years. One of these letters was from my first serious relationship back in college. The young woman in question, Maryse (pronounced like Marcie), was outlining why she had decided to breakup with me.
At the time, this was a serious blow as we had become engaged a few months previous. I drove 400 miles to confront her in person. It was truly surreal in that she spent all her time crying and apologizing. I spent my time trying to comfort her even though one might have thought the roles should have been reversed.
Despite the fact that I was crushed by this sudden development, I don't think I ever shed one tear over the breakup. I find this to be very remarkable because I cry very easily and frequently, particularly when watching many of my favorite movies (e.g., Titanic, ET, The Wizard of Oz, etc.).
I suppose the chief reason I didn't become distraught is that -- somewhere within me -- I knew this would prove beneficial to both of us. For all her wonderful qualities, Maryse had begun dabbling in drugs and satanic worship. Both of these things were abhorrent to me! For my part, I was having a very difficult time navigating the social environment (my then unknown Asperger's) and this always seemed to irritate my far more social fiance. As she remarked to me one time, I seemed like such a neat person in private, but, when we went out in public, I always seemed to say or do really weird things.
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Updated (6/23/09)
I sort of shortchanged above my role in the breakup and so I feel the need to set the record a little straighter.
In retrospect, one of the biggest factors involved in our parting of the ways was the fact that I had a great deal of difficulty as a young man dealing with the necessary changes in relationships. Because I crave pattern and routine, I latched onto the girl I first met and wanted her to stay the same -- not blossom as a young woman -- throughout our courtship.
When Maryse started to think new thoughts or behave in different ways, I didn't know how to handle it. So, I did what most Aspies do; I tried to get her to conform to the image in my mind and to stick to the routines already established.
Few of us like to be constrained, particularly not by someone who professes their love for us. So poor Maryse was forced to try to deal with the process of becoming her own person, while I was doing everything possible to keep her from becoming anything different than the young woman I originally fell in love with. Needless to say, it was a recipe for impending disaster!
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Throughout the past 30 years, I've thought of Maryse frequently. Before the final few months, we had enjoyed a very fun and close relationship. I often wonder what changed everything. But I don't dwell on it. I don't wish to rewind the clock to set things right. I don't wish that we had weathered our storm and stayed together. (If that had happened, there would be no Della in my life and I'm very blessed to have been Della's husband for nearly 25 years!)
While that episode in my life was extremely painful, it helped to shape the man I am today. I learned firsthand what it means to love someone with all your heart and to have that person love you as strongly, then one day, the love is gone.
Poof!
The thought here is that a better flow of energy in the space around me will help create a better flow of energy within me. I know that it's already worked somewhat as the first space I tackled was my bedroom and, now that the clutter has been removed, I have have awakened the past two mornings feeling a little more refreshed.
As I was sifting my way through the clutter in my bedroom, I came across a little satchel of old letters I hadn't eyed for many years. One of these letters was from my first serious relationship back in college. The young woman in question, Maryse (pronounced like Marcie), was outlining why she had decided to breakup with me.
At the time, this was a serious blow as we had become engaged a few months previous. I drove 400 miles to confront her in person. It was truly surreal in that she spent all her time crying and apologizing. I spent my time trying to comfort her even though one might have thought the roles should have been reversed.
Despite the fact that I was crushed by this sudden development, I don't think I ever shed one tear over the breakup. I find this to be very remarkable because I cry very easily and frequently, particularly when watching many of my favorite movies (e.g., Titanic, ET, The Wizard of Oz, etc.).
I suppose the chief reason I didn't become distraught is that -- somewhere within me -- I knew this would prove beneficial to both of us. For all her wonderful qualities, Maryse had begun dabbling in drugs and satanic worship. Both of these things were abhorrent to me! For my part, I was having a very difficult time navigating the social environment (my then unknown Asperger's) and this always seemed to irritate my far more social fiance. As she remarked to me one time, I seemed like such a neat person in private, but, when we went out in public, I always seemed to say or do really weird things.
-------------------------
Updated (6/23/09)
I sort of shortchanged above my role in the breakup and so I feel the need to set the record a little straighter.
In retrospect, one of the biggest factors involved in our parting of the ways was the fact that I had a great deal of difficulty as a young man dealing with the necessary changes in relationships. Because I crave pattern and routine, I latched onto the girl I first met and wanted her to stay the same -- not blossom as a young woman -- throughout our courtship.
When Maryse started to think new thoughts or behave in different ways, I didn't know how to handle it. So, I did what most Aspies do; I tried to get her to conform to the image in my mind and to stick to the routines already established.
Few of us like to be constrained, particularly not by someone who professes their love for us. So poor Maryse was forced to try to deal with the process of becoming her own person, while I was doing everything possible to keep her from becoming anything different than the young woman I originally fell in love with. Needless to say, it was a recipe for impending disaster!
--------------------------
Throughout the past 30 years, I've thought of Maryse frequently. Before the final few months, we had enjoyed a very fun and close relationship. I often wonder what changed everything. But I don't dwell on it. I don't wish to rewind the clock to set things right. I don't wish that we had weathered our storm and stayed together. (If that had happened, there would be no Della in my life and I'm very blessed to have been Della's husband for nearly 25 years!)
While that episode in my life was extremely painful, it helped to shape the man I am today. I learned firsthand what it means to love someone with all your heart and to have that person love you as strongly, then one day, the love is gone.
Poof!
You cry easily? I don't know much about Asperger's, but prima facie that surprises me a little. Hope the comment's not out of place.
ReplyDeleteIronically, I almost never cry--which also prima facie one might expect as an avoidant/INFP. Someone who knew me once told me he thought at first I was autistic.
What can I say? My tear ducts work very well. It may be atypical of Asperger's, though in reading other aspie blogs I don't think it's as atypical as one might think.
ReplyDeleteOf course, some of the things that make cry or tear up aren't the usual sorts of things. I get teary-eyed every time I hear Tchaikovsky's Overture of 1812 or Handel's Messiah. The tears start streaking down my face and I don't know why.