Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Bane

You know, over the course of the past several months, I've pretty much laid open my bare soul in this virtual medium. Coming to grips with Asperger's Syndrome has been the motivation behind my personal expose'. When I began this process back in early November, my thinking was that in getting this information down on virtual paper, it would help me to see certain patterns and to be able to thwart their replication in the future.

But our best laid plans don't always go the way we first think. I've come to realize that no amount of disclosure and analysis will do the trick. In real time life, I simply can't see the same patterns emerging. I don't recognize the telltale signs laid before me. This is not to say that I don't notice my oddities as they happen, but I rarely see that each is a mere piece in the overarching puzzle called Trey.

This is the peculiar bane for those of us with Asperger's Syndrome. While a strictly autistic person has limitations in cognitive abilities, our cognitive faculties work just fine, thank you. What this means is that we can understand our strange personality traits and mannerisms in rational and clinical ways, but we're damned to do much of anything about them!

In my particular case, owing to my most rational mind, it takes me years and years to notice what was obvious to everyone else from the beginning. Because of my obsessive-compulsive nature, once the realization comes to fruition, I analyze the situation from top to bottom and down one side and up the other. Yet, all this analysis and understanding doesn't seem to help one iota as I continue to engage the social world. I still react and relate in the same ways I always have to the great bewilderment of those I come in contact with.

For example, I visit my local library quite frequently. I've become rather friendly with the staff and one library assistant, in particular. For months, she would be the first one to greet me and this would generally lead to a conversation -- often an odd conversation, but a conversation no less.

Over the past two weeks, this dynamic has changed completely. When I enter the library now, even when she's the only one at the front desk, she doesn't look at me nor will she speak to me. One day I had to stand at the desk for 2 or 3 minutes until somebody else came to help me.

It's becoming rather obvious that I've done or said something that she deemed offensive. For the life of me, I have no clue what it could be. I don't remember anything of significance transpiring the last time we shared a conversation. I don't recall her acting hurt, mad or befuddled. It just seemed like every other run-of-the-mill conversation.

So anyway, my purpose for laying open my soul here on my blog has changed. I no longer do it in the hope that it will assist me in future forays with the social environment because I now realize how pointless that aim is. I have and will continue to share these experiences and insights for two reasons.

First, there are a lot of other aspies out there and I simply want them to know they are not alone. I've learned a lot by visiting aspie websites and blogs; I want to return the favor.

Secondly, by explaining in great detail my strange take on the world, it is my hope that you neurotypicals out there will come to have a better understanding of what it's like to live with atypical brain wiring. If you currently know someone with Asperger's or you come in contact with one of us in the future, my hope is that the information presented here will engender a measure of greater understanding and tolerance.


  1. In a sense, we are born "broken", but at the same time, nothing needs to be "changed", or "fixed" in this absolutely pure state. Going with purity, if we can carry it through the travails of life, we are pure idiots, fools, mad lovers, gentle people, admirers of silly things...I like you the way you are, like I like me the way I am.

  2. I'm undecided as to whether or not I "like" the way I am. Still, there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it!! So, I guess the best I can hope for is to accept the who and what I am.

  3. This sounds a little familiar...somehow I manage to put off a lot of people. That's why superficial relationships are rather tiring for me, and why I like either non-superficial relationships or none at all.


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