Dealing with Terrible Angst

When I was a young man, I dealt with a lot of terrible angst (a great deal of my emotional state had to do with undiagnosed Klinefelter's Syndrome). At times, I contemplated suicide and/or thought I would end up in the loony bin. When my emotions got to the point that I thought they would consume me, the only thing I could do to relieve the stress and tension was to write!

I wrote all sorts of things: poetry, screenplays, sermons, commentaries, one entire movie script and, most importantly, song lyrics (sometimes I even crafted a workable tune to go with it!). Once I was diagnosed with KS and began testosterone replacement therapy, the vast majority of my angst melted away instantaneously.

For the most part, this was stupendous! I felt like a new and more confident person. But for all the positives, I lost something I cherished -- my poetic voice. Where I used to write poems and song lyrics like a dervish, I ceased writing them altogether. I no longer suffered from the angst and misery that I used as the subliminal fuel to siphon off my woe in a positive and creative manner.

Anyhow, as I was typing the post, "I Really Tried", it got me to thinking about my life as a young adult. One of the songs I wrote during this period, "What Will You Decide?" just popped into my head. Here are the lyrics from memory (some 25 - 30 years after the fact):

What Will You Decide?

I've walked these streets in silence for far too long a time
I've been waiting for a moment for the light to shine
But the darkness still continues; it's there both night and day
Only you can manage to take it all away.

Darling, what will you decide?
Do you dream about me too?
Have you ever really tried
to say the words, "I love you?"

My life hangs in the balance, I don't know where to turn
Sometimes I am amazed at the lessons never learned
I haven't been the friend I had always aimed to be
Only you can salvage this dream inside of me.

Darling, what will you decide?
Do you dream about me too?
Have you ever really tried
to say the words, "I love you?"

The lives we lead won't last us forever
One day the leaves will fall,
the songbird will not call
and we'll have missed our chance to be together.

I've walked these streets in silence for far too long a time
I've been waiting for a moment for the light to shine
But the darkness still continues; it's there both day and night
Only you can end it with your radiant light.

Darling, what will you decide?
Do you dream about me too?
Have you ever really tried
to say the words, "I love you?"

Darling, what will you decide?
Do you long to hold me too?
If you'd dig down deep inside
you'd know our love is true.

[Note: Lucky for me, I didn't get the girl! If I had, I wouldn't be so overjoyed married to my darling Della.)