Of Rotten Canned Meat

There are a few certainties in each person's life: birth, death, taxes and...SPAM. (Even if a person never uses a computer or the internet, they still receive spam in the form of junk mail!) Yes, spam has become ubiquitous. Even more importantly, it's everywhere simultaneously. I'm beginning to wonder if spam isn't necessarily constrained by the space-time continuum.

The one thing about spam that really bothers me is that most such pieces aren't written very well. Each one seems chock-full of misspellings, incorrect grammer and lax or nonexistent punctuation. They seem to be the last reservoir of the famed dangling modifiers and run-on sentences.

I realize not everyone may be as discriminating as I am. However, if I receive a solicitation from someone and said solicitation is very poorly written, I'm immediately suspicious. I mean, if you want me to part with the little money I have, I think you should at least make the effort to present me with something readable!

Here's a piece of spam I received early this morning. It's unremarkable -- It's not much different from the thousands of others I've received. And, of course, it's poorly written. (I will denote some of the most glaring problems.)

PLEASE READ CAREFULLY

I have a client that [not "that", but "who"] deposited a huge amount of money into our bank here in London [a period, comma or semi-colon is needed here] unfortunately he and his family was [were, not was] involved in the latest tsunami mayhem. The money is stuck here in the bank because all his next of kin died with him. [If he's dead, you no longer have a client.] What I don't like is to see the bank add it to their Billions. This money can be used for charity purposes of [or?] things like that. I must be frank [comma or period] I do not know you or anything about you. [comma, not a period] But I need somebody I can trust that I can front as his next of kin somebody far outside my area. [If you don't know me, how do you know you can trust me?] The money involved is $45,000,000.00. [Come on now! Who desposits $45 million dollars into a bank account?]

We can use $1,000,000.00 for incidental expenses and share 50% into two [does not make sense] for ourselves and the rest 50% [the "other' 50% or the rest OF THE 50%] can be given to [a] charity or Tsunami Victims [no needs for capitalization]. I will provide you with full information when you accept my offer. I am sorry I have to reach you this way, but due to the nature of my job [another missing comma] I have to hide my identity for now. I am also sending this email to some other people [yet another missing comma] in case you don't believe my story.

This is a risk free transaction and there is nothing to fear about [rather odd phrasing]. I will be in control of every process. [That's not very reassuring.] This is not a spam letter [If somebody feels the need to tell you it's not spam -- guess what? -- it's spam!]. Take it very serious.

Waiting for your Urgent [no need for capitalization] reply.

Best regards
Kem Purr

Do you have any spam you'd like to share?

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