We Need a Really Long Couch

I've been very up front with the fact that I'm afflicted with 1 of 2 personality disorders (Schizoid Personality Disorder or Schizotypal Personality Disorder) plus Obsessive-Compulsive Anxiety Disorder, Klinefelter's Syndrome and Asperger's Syndrome. Once or twice per month I meet with my mental health therapist for counseling and, from time to time, we go over the list of symptoms of each disorder to more accurately tweak my counseling regimen.

Today, as we were going down the lists, I got to thinking that a lot of these symptoms seem to describe the Christian God. So, I thought I would take this opportunity to attempt some armchair psychology by examining the various personality disorders to see if I can come up with a diagnosis or two.

The following list of personality disorders and descriptive information comes from the website, 4degreez.com.

Paranoid

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges.

Let's see. We're told that God seems to think that humans are incapable of leading sinless lives (trust issues). He has an overly high opinion of himself (you will have no other Gods before ME). It's debatable whether or not he has any close relationships -- it depends on who you talk to. If we take the Old Testament as a guide, God frequently read hostile intentions in the actions of the Hebrews and others alike. He has a tendency to challenge the loyalty of his followers and many would describe him as cold and distant. Though the world he created is all screwed up, he doesn't accept blame any for of it. Finally, he has been known to carry a grudge for up to seven generations.

Seems to me that we can safely say God meets enough of the criteria of Paranoid Personality Disorder.

Schizoid

People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."

The relationship part is a bit ambiguous, but there's no question that God exhibits a wide range of emotions. God is way up there away from all humanity, so an argument could be made that he prefers to be alone. However, popularity is VERY important to him. While his social skills appear to be weak, he not only craves attention and acceptance, but he demands it. I know of no examples which would hint that God even understands humor.

While God meets some of the criteria for this personality disorder, I don't think it's enough to use this classification. At best, he might be borderline schizoid.

Schizotypal

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

Almost everyone agrees that Gods methods and actions are a mystery, often they defy comprehension. As stated previously, the question as to whether or not he seeks isolation is ambiguous. God does believe he is omnipotent and omniscient. He also believes that everything that happens to anyone is somehow connected to him. Since no one really knows him very well, it's hard to comment about his concentration levels and his speech patterns.

As with Paranoid Personality Disorder, I think God clearly meets the criteria for this one too.

Antisocial

A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often aggressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

Since God has ordained the wanton murder, debauchery and pillage of numerous groups, he does seem prone to criminal behavior and he does justify his actions by stating that said people deserved what they got. As to lying, it's unclear whether this has been perpetrated by God himself or by his followers. However, God has authorized the theft of property and people. He is even known to have "appropriated" some poor woman's womb. As to taking actions without thinking about consequences, creating this world would certainly fit the bill. God has been known to be overly aggressive and is deeply self-absorbed.

So, here's another disorder we can add to his growing list.

Borderline

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

God appears to suffer from wide mood swings, but he exhibits anything but a poor-self image. While God's fury is well-documented, it's almost always focused outward at others. There are no known incidents of suicidal thought or actions (unless we take into account the God-Jesus crucifixion thing). God does tend to see issues in black and white terms. There is also no question whatsoever that he's quick to anger when his dictates aren't met.

While God does exhibit some of the facets of this disorder, he does not meet the major criteria of poor self-image. So, I think we can safely say that God is NOT borderline.

Histrionic

People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to describe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provocatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

There is no ambiguity whatsoever regarding God's need to be the center of attention. He tries to dominate every relationship he enters into and overtly threatens people who do not want to be his confidant. He tends to communicate with humans via grandiose and ambiguous language. Almost everything he does is the very definition of exaggeration. He has also proven to be highly manipulative.

Therefore, to this juncture, this is the first disorder that fits God to a T. We must add it to his ever-expanding list.

Narcissistic

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recognize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.

Well, this disorder also fits God like it was made for him. As discussed previously, God is completely self-absorbed, constantly strives to be the center of attention, is prone to wild and unbelievable exaggeration, and believes himself to be far, far superior to anyone else. In addition, he does seem to have trouble maintaining long-term relationships as evidenced by the chosen people of the Old Testament and the number of religions prevalent in the world today.

Avoidant

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarrassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

As has been discussed above, God doesn't meet the criteria for this one at all with the possible exception of having the need to create a fantasy world.

Dependent

Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.

Again, this doesn't match up with the self-absorbed God at all. While God may become involved in abusive relationships, he is the abuser, not the victim.

Obsessive-Compulsive

Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.

While God certainly meets a few of the above criteria (perfectionist and highly critical of others), I simply don't think he meets enough of the criteria.

So, based on my non-psychiatric diagnosis, God appears to be afflicted with the following personality disorders: Paranoid, Schizotypal, Antisocial, Histrionic, and Narcissistic.

I hope he has a good HMO because working on these disorders is going to take him several millenia.