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Saturday, November 8, 2008

Wrong Planet

I've really been completely out of sorts lately. Over the past two weeks my life has been turned upside down. My entire definition of who I am, what I believe and where I fit in the scheme of things has been torn asunder. I feel like a lost soul drifting in the ether.

I've been seeing a psychologist (Bill) -- mainly to help with my disability claim. However, during one of our sessions, the topic of autism came up. I remarked that, for many years, my wife has said that she feels I might be autistic. I always pooh poohed the idea because...well...autistic people have trouble communicating and many have developmental disabilities. That certainly doesn't describe an intelligent fellow like me!!

Bill thumbed through his DSM. He read me the description and symptoms of a particular neurological disorder. As he read, I perked up. It seemed to be describing me to a T. What is it, I asked. The answer? Asperger's Syndrome (AS).

Since that meeting, I've done a lot of research on AS. I took a test that provides strong indicators of the presence of AS. It says that a lot of people who score above 32 (out of 50 possible points) are prone to have it and I scored 46.

This revelation explains a lot of the problems I've had throughout my life. I don't do well in social situations and I don't seem to have the capability to "read" people. While I'm a very sympathetic individual, I don't seem to have the skill set to be empathetic. I am an extremely routinized person who doesn't deal well at all with change and I seem to enjoy repetitious activities.

In other words, I have what they call high functioning autism.

I've visited several websites that deal with AS and have read what others with the condition say about their lives. One recurrent theme is that many feel as if they're living on the wrong planet. I can truly relate to this sentiment as I've often thought this same thing throughout my life.

I will most likely be writing on this topic in the days to come both as a form of education to others and therapy for myself.

I no longer know who I am and, maybe, this virtual process will help me to find myself again.

P.S. While it's bad enough to learn that the wiring in my brain most likely isn't wired like most people, it's even more discombobulating since I also suffer from Klinefelter's Syndrome and Fibromyalgia too -- each of which has its own life-altering peculiarities. Consequently, I'm worried that I may be on an even different planet that most folks with AS!

An anomaly amongst anomalies.

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