Helping the Poor...One Truck at a Time

The wife & I were watching the evening news. First, came a story about the escalating unemployment figures with a brief feature on one woman who's been trying to land a full-time job since 2005! Next, we were told about the Big 3 automakers and their plea for a $35 billion bailout. Even the UAW is getting in the act by dropping some of their current demands -- I'm sure they are realizing that small raises are better than no jobs.

On the heels of that story comes an auto dealer in Florida who says he's concerned about working families. To help jump start the economy in his locale, he says, he's offering two new pickup trucks for the price of one. What a deal!!

Of course, there's one itsy bitsy problem with this grand offer -- most WORKING families can't afford a NEW truck! It really doesn't matter if he throws in a second truck or a cruise to Club Med or groceries for one year. Since many working families are living month-to-month, it doesn't matter how enticing a deal such as this looks because you can't buy something when you don't have the money AND the banks aren't lending it.

And let's be brutally honest anyway. This 2 for 1 truck deal is not aimed at working families. No, the target is the upper class, those folks who may be hurting a tad, but not that much.

It's a lot like the various tax breaks and tax incentives that politicians like to chortle about. They will tell you they fought for and voted for such and such a bill because they're on the side of working families. Hey, if you buy a hybrid, we'll give you x number of dollars back. And who can afford the hybrids? It's not the working class!

Install solar panels on your roof and we'll throw money at you. Again, working families have enough trouble scraping together the money to fix a hole in the roof or to get a new composite roof laid. So, few of us will ever see a windfall from installing all those solar panels we can only afford in our dreams.

Where are our tax breaks?

King of Pain

I hurt...a lot! With my version of fibromyalgia, pain is frequent and can affect multiple areas of the body simultaneously. This week the pain has centered in two such areas: my lower back and my sternum. Because of these two areas of pain, movement is difficult and no position is comfortable.

I will see my therapist this afternoon and I know one of the issues we will discuss is depression. Personally, I don't think I'm clinically depressed -- just run-of-the-mill depressed. Pain has a way of making anyone feel a bit down, but I certainly don't feel hopeless nor do I feel a black veil has fallen on my life. I simply grow tired of constant pain and, knowing it will continue to be my lifelong friend, I get a bit blue from time to time.

It's too bad that I'm not a religious sort. If I were, I could rail against my God for my condition! I could lament the unfairness of my lot and ask such questions as "Why me Lord?"

But I don't ask this question. I realize that, because my body wasn't put together the way it was supposed to be, it's rather natural that I am beset by a myriad of physical ailments. The fact that I have a chromosomal abnormality and was born without a fully developed left hip simply means that problems in adult life are to be expected.

I suppose I could question WHY I popped out of the chute in a not ready for prime time fashion. Yes, I could blame this all on me mum and pa! But I realize that the forming of a human life in the womb is a complicated process and, if the timing is off by a slight hair, not everything will go according to schedule.

If you get right down to it what I find the most amazing is that so many babies are born healthy! When one considers all the complex variables that must take place in an ordered sequence, it's amazing that it comes off without a hitch most of the time.

In His Image

I'm not the greatest fan in the world of the Christmas season. For one thing, while Christmas music is okay in small portions, some radio stations play the stuff ad nauseam. I can only listen to Brenda Lee belt out "Rock'n around the Christmas Tree" so many times before I'm ready to scream.

Another part of the holiday season that annoys me to no end is the rampant commercialism. Nothing says I love you like buying crap for friends and family that they don't need! Whatever happened to the idea of living simply so others may simply live?

But the part of the yuletide season that irritates me the most is that non-Christians like myself are beat over the head again and again with Christian stories, symbolism and metaphors. And so, I find myself thinking about the many things about Christianity that rub me the wrong way and you, dear readers, get treated to volumes on the topic (hmm -- another one of my AS compulsions?)

Tonight, we're going to explore the egocentric idea that humankind is created in God's image.

For starters, what does that mean anyway? Is it referring to physical, emotional and/or spiritual characteristics? No one seems to know. Ask ten Christians to explain it and you may get ten different answers.

For the sake of argument, let's say this statement is true. If all humans are created in the image of the all mighty, then why do Christians treat some humans differently than others? Why do some Christians want to kill Muslims (and vice versa)? Why are the poor looked down on? Why are gays persecuted? Why are women subjugated?

If you hold to the belief that everyone is created in the image of God, then that means we all share these same traits.

I want to know why Christians and Jews think that only humans are created in God's image? Since God created everything, wouldn't it stand to reason that all things are created in his image?

The answer to that question is contained in the Bible. It says somewhere in Genesis that ONLY male and female humans are covered my this dictum. Of course, it should be pointed out that Genesis was written by a person and this person obviously has a bias against other things. If the Bible had been written by dogs or butterflies, then I bet only dogs or butterflies would be bestowed with this holy declaration!

Since science has informed us that homo sapiens came to the table late in the game, it would be far more likely that rocks or water or molecules are the more likely recipients of God's image.

In Taoism, there is no distinction amongst the ten thousand things. Every single entity in creation is part of Tao -- you, me, rocks, butterflies, the wind, the rain.

A Grave Situation

Here's a question I've mulled over since I was a wee lad: Why do we stick dead human bodies in the ground? Who thought this up and why did they think it was a good idea? More importantly, why do people still think it's a good idea?

It's always seemed rather counter-intuitive to me. By and large, we don't bury dead cows or dead chickens, so why bury dead humans?

Of course, we no longer just bury dead bodies by themselves. People spend inordinate amounts of money on caskets made of all sorts of materials, several of which aren't particularly biodegradable.

In India, they burn dead bodies on a pyre. In many American Indian cultures, they would leave dead bodies on scaffolds. Often, if someone died at sea, the dead were dumped overboard. But, in America, most people stick dead bodies in a box and bury them.

Wouldn't it make far more sense to farm out all the usable parts to living people in need of them and science for research, then burn the rest to be used as fertilizer or for some other useful purpose? If folks can put fish meal (ground up dead fish) on their gardens, why not people meal?

As long as I've broached this morbid topic, let's take it a step further. I've never understood why so many people insist on open casket funerals. What's the purpose behind looking at a dead body?

If the mortician has done a good job, I've often heard people remark, "She looks so lifelike" or "He looks at peace now". I look at these same bodies and they don't look lifelike nor at peace -- they look dead.

Since most people (though certainly not all) accept the notion that we are more than our bodies -- that something called soul, spirit, essence, force, etc. exists independently -- a body without this something extra is nothing more than a housing.

I remember when my first wife's mother died of cancer. The missus didn't want to view her mother's body, but her siblings convinced her otherwise. They told her she would regret it later IF she didn't say here goodbyes. So, we trooped in to gaze into the open casket.

It turns out her siblings were correct about the regrets -- my wife regretted being talked into something she didn't want to do! She had nightmares for weeks.

When my maternal grandmother died, I was given the task of photographing her body in the open casket. I kept trying to beg off of this because I had no interest whatsoever in taking a peek at her corpse. But my family was under the same misguided position as my former in-laws -- they thought it would be good for me. Needless to say, it wasn't.

I do understand the need to say goodbye to a loved one, but a dead body is not the one you loved. You loved the person inside the body, so why should you feel relieved saying goodbye to a shell? It would be like breaking your favorite vase, then sitting around saying so long to the box it came in.

Celebrating Weirdness

In my last post, I talked about how discombobulating it is to discover you have Asperger's Syndrome (AS). Now I will discuss the other side of the coin.

In a manner of speaking, finding out you have AS is liberating! It means my weirdness is not derived solely from selfishness, arrogance or stubbornness. It means there is a neurological explanation for many of my tendencies and the same is true for many people who have suffered in silence for years or even decades.

It's often difficult when a person has a condition or affliction that does not manifest itself in a change in a person's physical appearance. While I'm certainly not suggesting that life is a bowl of cherries for a person stricken with polio or cerebral palsy, when you encounter such a person, you can immediately see that something is different about them.

However, when a person suffers from a congenital defect (Klinefelter's Syndrome) or an autoimmune disease (fibromyalgia) or a neurological disorder (AS), nothing jumps out to meet the eye. You look to others as a "normal" person. There is no readily available sign that you suffer from one or more differences.

It's not uncommon for friends, family and colleagues -- even many in the medical community -- to think it's "all in your head". Some people will say you're just a malingerer or you are merely seeking attention or you're trying to get out of toeing the line re social expectations. Hear these things enough and you start to question yourself too!!

So, learning that there is an organic cause to your symptoms certainly provides you with better peace of mind. It's not all in your head or it is, but in a physiological sense.

But this sense of liberation comes at a cost. While learning you have a particular condition or malady is good, on the one hand, you have to be ever cognizant that you don't use this discovery to rationalize your behavior to the nth degree. Just because you have AS or Klinefelter, this doesn't give you a license to be a dolt. In other words, you have to be watchful that this label doesn't become a routine excuse for bad behavior.

Regardless of AS, I don't possess a license to hurt or offend others. While this will happen from time to time because of the differences of viewing and interacting with the world, I must learn to make compromises with those around me. While I hope others will learn about the many aspects of AS in terms of how I relate to them, I too need to be a better student of how my actions and words affect others.

I can't simply tread down my path with blinders on and expect others to get out of my way. I can't go through life like a bull in a china shop and, when I do or say something awkward or outside of social norms, merely exclaim, "Hey I have AS or Klinefelter's. It's not my fault."

As my motto states -- on the top left column of this blog -- I am part of the world and the world is part of me -- The One -- Tao. I simply have to figure out my realtion to the world and Tao as an aspie. It's not the easiest assignment I've ever had, but it's one I must complete.

Why Am I So Discombobulated?

Now that I've found that Asperger's Syndrome (AS) provides a definition for the many struggles I've encountered in my life, why has this knowledge so discombobulated me? As my family and friends have pointed out, the traits and aspects that fit under the umbrella of AS have always been part of me. The only difference, they say, is that I now have a label with which to group together what I thought were disparate quirks.

I grant that their is some logic and symmetry to this argument. The me that I know today is the same me I've known since the beginning. I've always accepted that I seem to view the world differently than most people and I react to it differently as well. So, a silly label shouldn't make that big a deal.

While that perspective is rational, it doesn't quite cut it in my book. While I've acknowledged that I do come at things differently, I always thought it was because I'm a philosophical type and that, if others looked at the world through the eyes of the philosopher, they too would see what I see or, at least, something in a similar vein.

To find out that this is not the case at all has taken me aback. These neurological differences are far more than I had originally realized. What this means -- at least from my point of view -- is that many of most basic foundational tenets are based on false premises. I'm not saying that each is necessarily wrong, but each is based on an entirely different set of criteria.

Further, delineating a specific reference point is a form of change and I have never dealt well with change. So, it should be understandable that this whole situation has thrown me for a loop and turned my understanding of my world upside down.

As I've mentioned before, I'm feeling rather lost right now. It's like the tether that's kept me tied down has been torn asunder and I'm wafting about in the wind. I've actually been talking to people around town a lot less because I am now more conscious that I often say the wrong thing at the wrong time or that I habitually miss routine social clues. I certainly don't go out as often as I used to (which isn't saying much) and I rarely speak to any of my neighbors.

In a way, I've decided to hibernate. Until I can get a better handle on these new revelations, I don't have any interest whatsoever in being even nominally social. I've never been a social creature anyway, but I'm now becoming something of a hermit!

At some point, I may venture out again to engage the world. If do though, I already know it will be under different parameters.

Up and until I attended Grad School in the early 90s, I accepted the fact that I marched to a radically different drummer. I was not a joiner. If I found a particular community project or program that interested me, I would definitely get involved, but on my own terms. Once it ended, I would go back to my cave.

During Grad School, I decided to try the other tact -- to BE a joiner. I joined lots of radical and progressive groups and became one of the leaders of several of them. My ongoing participation was always marked by my quirky mannerisms and behavior, but progressive activists accepted these quirks because I was such a hard and dedicated worker.

But try as I might, I continually found myself in the middle of organizational controversies. I seem to be the kind of person that either you love to death or you absolutely detest and loathe. There appears to be no middle ground. For every comrade-in-arms there was also a devout enemy, even though I accept that there's good and bad in each and every person.

So, I've decided to go back to the way it was before -- to be a non-joiner. I simply don't seem to have the ability to avoid causing or worsening imbroglios. In essence, I don't plan to be a leader OR a follower. I'll just keep to my own path and, if it intersects with others from time to time, we can then work together on very specific tasks.

As a Taoist, I still hold firm to the belief that all things, including me, are connected to everything else. I am simply choosing to view these connections from a little farther back than before.

More importantly, as should be evident to long time readers, I'm going to put a lot more energy into this blog. Since I seem better equipped to communicate via the written word than its spoken counterpart, this blog will offer the opportunity to stay engaged in the issues I'm most interested in.

It is my sincere hope that my frankness in discussing my personal struggles with AS, Klinefelter's and fibromyalgia will, at least, allow others who share these or similar diagnoses to know that they are not stranded alone on a strange planet.

Just Plain Wet

I've always liked numbers. In grade school, I was always near or at the top of my class in speed and accuracy in arithmetic. What often drove my classmates crazy was that, even at a very young age, I could work out the figures in my head. Mind you, I didn't always arrive at the answers utilizing the tools and formulas we were taught, but I arrived there quickly nonetheless.

While numbers, in general, and arithmetic, in specific, seemed to come easy to me, the same cannot be said for algebra, calculus and trigonometry! After having been a math star in grades 1 - 6, I proceeded to fail algebra in 9th grade. To this very day, algebra is like trying to understand Chinese via a German-speaking tutor. No matter how hard I studied, it simply made no sense to me whatsoever.

Of all the various math expressions, I've always liked figuring out the mean (i.e., the average). As a child I collected sports cards -- over 15,000 baseball cards. I would spend hours computing all sorts of averages: number of triples, doubles, walks, strikeouts, etc. per year and then comparing these results amongst different players and teams. Since I had few friends, I needed something to occupy my time!!

While I no longer follow sports that rigorously, I still find other areas to compare mathematically. Since I live in an area that receives copious amounts of precipitation each year, one of my new preoccupations is comparing rainfall totals for different areas.

This is a lead up to the fact that it rained bucket loads in South Bend during the month of November. Two towns I've lived in before -- Pendleton and Bend, OR -- average 13.95" and 11.73" respectively of precip per year and most of that comes in the form of snow. Seattle, WA -- known throughout the country as a rainy city -- averages 16.97" in aggregate for the months November, December and January.

For the month of November, South Bend received 20.73" of rain -- that's a daily average of 0.69". That total is nearly 4" more than Seattle receives in the aforementioned quarter and loads more than Pendleton or Bend receive in 12 full months!

Even when compared with other locales I've lived in (Kansas City, MO - 35.51" or Hot Springs, AR - 57.69"), this is still a whopping total.

But the interesting thing is that we've had virtually no flooding. The ecosystem here is used to lots of rain and so the surrounding countryside just seems to soak it up. Had this amount fallen in any of the other areas cited, I'm sure it would be national news of severe flooding, destruction of property and loss of life.

Today is the first day of December and, not surprisingly, it's raining.

Try Shutting Up

Since the beginning of time, humankind has searched for and theorized about a process, principle or entity that binds us together. Many believe this "IT" is a benevolent being that is concerned about our welfare and casts a hand over our lives. Others accept the notion of one or more beings, but do not buy-in to its necessary benevolence.

By and large, Taoists don't envision a being at all. For most of us, the IT is a process, principle or force that is neither benevolent nor malevolent. IT just is. Everything is part of IT -- there is no separation. If you want to find IT, many a Taoist will suggest you need only look in the mirror!

Apart from defining what IT might be, western religious thought and Taoism differ greatly on how each of us might engage IT. In Christianity, the principle way followers are supposed to dial into IT is via prayer.

There are all kinds of prayers, many committed to rote memorization. However, while followers are encouraged strongly to use the established prayers and creeds, they are also told that a simple "conversation" with the all mighty will suffice. Some people pray out loud, while others hold these conversations in their heads.

For me, the problem with this approach is that, if you spend all your time flapping your gums, how are you to hear the message? Wouldn't you worry that you and the deity might end up talking over one another? How will you know when the voice inside your noggin changes from you to IT?

Taoists approach this concept from the opposite perspective! In Taoism, there is no such animal as an established creed or prayer. You don't need to get in a certain position nor do you have to face a particular direction. All that is required is that you empty yourself completely.

Empty, you become a vessel to be filled.

Empty is not the same thing as merely being quiet. If we want to dial in to Tao (our word for IT), then we must flush away all words, thoughts, images and emotions. If you don't completely empty yourself, then all these things and more become barriers to getting in touch. They block the flow of energy.

A filled vessel -- one crammed full of words, ideas, suppositions, images and emotions -- cannot be filled with the spirit simply because there is no room. By the same token, you can't pour more water into a full glass. The new water will spill on the floor and be wasted.

So, when we approach IT we must ensure we strip away all our wants, needs and desires for it is these very things that block our access. We each need to learn the lesson that shutting up is the only way we can clear the space that can then be filled up.

A Possible Link?

One of the great advantages of using tracking software or services with a blog or other website is the kind of information one can glean from it. For example, I use SiteMeter and I can check it any time of the day or night to see where visitors hail from or the referring url. Earlier today I noticed that a visitor from England came to The Rambling Taoist as the result of a search on Google with the search terms of "klinefelter and asperger".

I followed the link and discovered a recent study published this past March that suggests there may be a link between these two syndromes. Because I have both, this is a very interesting potential development!

The high levels of autism traits in XXY men suggest that Klinefelter syndrome may be associated with an increased genetic vulnerability for autistic features. Interestingly, our finding of high rates of autistic traits across all dimensions of the autism phenotype suggest that vulnerability for autistic features in Klinefelter syndrome may not be restricted to impairments in social behavior and communication, but may extend to other aspects of the phenotype as well. Although this observation suggests that XXY men may display the specific combination of various individual traits that are all part of the autism phenotype, some of the traits and symptoms of autism are not specific for the autism phenotype, but may also be seen in individuals with other psychiatric disorders. Therefore, it is possible that men with Klinefelter may not only have an increased vulnerability for autism, but also for other psychiatric disorders.

In addition, I've read before -- though I don't have the citations offhand -- that there are some indications that those with Klinefelter's have a greater propensity for auto-immune disorders. So, the underlying root cause of my fibromyalgia and Asperger's Syndrome may be the abnormaility in my 26th chromosone.

No More, No Less

As I wrote here a year or two ago, I grew up in the Presbyterian Church and even applied to Seminary with the intent of becoming a minister. But several nagging questions kept me from traversing that path. One of my biggest points of internal struggle was the concept of Jesus as part-man, part-God.

For me, the part-God portion mucks everything up. It negates the message Jesus' life was supposed to typify. If he was truly endowed with the omniscient self, then all the supposed trials, tribulations and suffering he went through are, in my view, severely downgraded. How can one truly suffer from human misery and terror if part of that self knows everything is going to work out a-ok in the end?

This is the precise reason why the unknown is so scary for aspies and neurotypicals alike. We simply don't know if our trials and tribulations will take us to a greater place or if we all merely wind up as heaps of dust at the end. This not knowing is the motor of fear and anxiety.

In my view, the Jewish carpenter would be worthy of all this adulation IF believers accepted the fact that he was entirely human just like the rest of us. As a mere mortal, his suffering on the cross takes on a entirely different dimension. It would show that he died for what he believed in, not knowing if what he believed was right.

More importantly, if Jesus was just some guy from Nazareth, then it means that each of us could tread a similar path. It means that we could lead a life based on the very principles he espoused.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, the institutionalized Christian Church is absolutely terrified of this view. If people believed in this way, there would be no need for churches, ministers, and all the trappings that go with it. No more offerings, TV evangelists or massive property holdings. No more Focus on the Family, Moral Majority or Promise Keepers.

And let's face it, religion is big business. It has been from the very beginning -- it's one of the aspects that ticked off Jesus so (remember his behavior in the temple)!! People kill for religion. They repress and subjugate for it. Heck, we're slaughtering innocents in Afghanistan and Iraq because of it and the other side is doing the same thing to us in devotion to their depiction of the all mighty.

So, this conflict started me down the road to Taoism. What pushed me over the edge, however, was the Christian belief in knowing God. The very idea that a mere mortal could understand the breadth of the complex universe is not a sign of devotion but complete egocentrism!

Whatever it is out there -- being, process, law, principle or something else -- is so vast that what our feeble minds can comprehend is tantamount to a few pixels of a trillion upon trillion gigabyte picture. It's like holding a handful of sand and then pompously thinking we can each accurately describe a 1 million mile long beach!

Consequently, from my viewpoint, religion exists merely to provide rigid and static answers to questions that cannot be answered. It's a well-orchestrated and well-funded facade. It's not a path to enlightenment, but a road to darkness.

I think Jesus was a guy who lived and died many years ago. After he died, he went wherever everything else winds up. He was not superhuman nor was he "God" incarnate.

In his own way, Jesus definitely was a Taoist.

Ever Shifting Paths

When I started this blog in January 2005, it was my intent to share one Taoist's perspective on the world. For the past 3+ years I kept to this same path, more or less. In recent weeks, I've discovered I have Asperger's Syndrome (AS) and I have now woven this thread into the tapestry.

It dawned on me tonight that both Taoism and AS share a unique characteristic -- both lead a person to view the world and universe differently than the vast majority. Both embrace the idea that there are many paths and that we each must find for ourselves which path is the one on which we shall tread.

Though it's only been a short time that I've come to understand the many aspects of being an aspie, these traits have been with me all along. The only thing that has changed is that I now have a little box with which to toss all my quirks and neurological differences into.

So, it leaves me to wonder if being an aspie is what lead me to Tao?

Think about this concept for a minute. The Taoist philosophy turns western civilization on its head. While western thought extols the virtues of the individual, Taoist principles embrace the idea of the connectivity of all things. Western religion provides a cloak of finality and rigid answers, while philosophical Taoism is open-ended and encourages each being to find our own answers.

I'm not suggesting that all Taoists are aspies and all neurotypicals (a term many aspies use to define "normal" folks) are religious. But it certainly wouldn't suprise me in the least if aspies are more prone to search for cosmic understanding outside of the typical established boundaries. By our very neurological nature, we view the entirety of the world differently and so it stands to reason that we would be more open to the exploration of different philosophical perspectives.

One of the things that I must remind myself of again and again is that a person's path is not static. You don't find "your path" and then never change your stride. Life is fluid and so each path must be fluid also. If our chosen path curves to the right or the left, we end up leaving it if we stubbornly keep walking devoutly in a straight line!

So, while Taoism will continue to be one of the main premises of this blog, so too will be the interplay between it and Asperger's Syndrome. There may be a very tenable tether or I may decide the tether is very thin or nonexistent. Only time will tell.

I welcome you -- regardless of your perspective or neurological state -- along for the ride.

New Interesting Site

I just received an email telling me The Rambling Taoist is now listed on All the Top Buddhism News (the link is also listed on the right). I get emails like this quite often -- usually from dubious sources. This one, however, looks promising as they also feature information on Taoism.

I'm sure I'll check it out several times in the coming weeks and, if you are interested in learning more about the Buddhist and/or Taoist perspective, I hope you will too.

Was Ist Das?

Last night my wife & I watched one of my all-time favorite movies on AMC. It has been quite awhile since I viewed it completely from beginning to end. It was released in 1963 and it's star won the Oscar for Best Actor -- well-deserved in my opinion!

However, I don't think this splendid film would play well in 2008. It is missing all the elements that most moviegoers look for in a film. There is no violence, gratuitous or otherwise. There are no sex scenes -- not even a quick kiss, touching embrace nor longing looks. There is no "chase" scene, though a car does play a role in the plot.

It's not really a drama because there is no build-up toward an all-powerful climax. It's not a comedy, even though there are many lighthearted moments. And it's not a musical, yet one song is key to the storyline.

Do you know which movie I'm referring to? If not, you'll find the answer here. (You'll better understand the title for this entry.)

It's a beautiful film and one I highly recommend.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

One topic that most people don't like to think about -- let alone TALK about -- is death. It's one of those mysteries that is so beyond our limited human comprehension that it tends to make one feel small and fleeting in the vastness of time and space. Like most everyone else, it makes me more than a little squeamish, but I still think about it constantly!

My grandmother's death -- right in front of my eyes -- made me truly realize how ephemeral our lives are. One moment we're here and then, poof, we're gone. Sometimes we get to say farewell to our loved ones; often times not.

Every minute of every day, someone leaves home for some reason (e.g., go to school, work or a quick dash to the store for milk, etc.), never to come home again. They may say, "See ya tonight" or "Be back in a jiff", but that jiff never materializes.

Several years back Garth Brooks penned a song entitled, If Tomorrow Never Comes. Though I'm usually not a big fan of country music, this particular song hit a chord with me.

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

As a person who keeps to myself a lot, I sometimes wonder if my close friends and family really know how much they mean to me. I try to tell them, from time to time, but I'm never sure I'm saying it in a way that conveys the depths of my feelings.

Since my wife reads this blog, I just want her to know that though, I may not say the right words enough nor be the romantic type -- I LOVE YOU Honey, more than you'll ever know!!!!!

I think one of the primary reasons that death is always on mind is that, simply put, it's not something a person genuinely can prepare for. It's change in the most dramatic sense of the word and, since folks like me detest change, I'm always thinking about how I will react if my beloved wife dies or if it's me facing the final curtain.

So, I'm constantly sifting through various scenarios in the attempt to catalog each one. The idea here is to have a resource to fall back on when the inevitable occurs.

But there's a problem with my plan -- I already know it won't work!! This knowledge makes me even more anxious. It's a vicious cycle.

The reason I know this plan is faulty is as the result of my mother's death. My mother had cancer and her last days were spent in the hospital. Being very close to my mother, I was relieved that, when I flew to Arkansas from Oregon, I arrived in time to enjoy spending some time with her before she slipped into a coma-like state.

Once she lost consciousness for the last time, my brother and I (along with my wife and other family members) spent a lot of time sitting next to her hospital bed waiting for the inevitable. As usual, I mourned her death before it happened to sort of prepare myself for when it did happen.

When the heart monitor flatlined, I soon came to understand that all my preparation was for naught. The emotions simply overwhelmed me and it left me in a daze for weeks!!

So rationally, I realize that thinking about death frequently won't prepare me for it one wit. Too bad, my rational self isn't the dominant one!

Is this something peculiar to me or is this common with other aspies too?

What I Mean

Since we had nothing special planned for Thanksgiving Day, my wife & I volunteered to work at the holiday community supper in downtown Raymond. My wife took orders, cleaned tables and, later, ate a fine traditional turkey meal. I, of course, volunteered to wash dishes and I washed dishes for nearly 3 1/2 hours.

As we were close to finishing the clean-up process, I told the organizer (Ollie) that, I'd like to say I had fun, but...and I winked. There was an awkward pause, then she said to me, "But you volunteered to wash dishes! If you wanted to do a different task, all you had to do was ask."

This is very typical of the conversations I get into with people. I meant nothing negative whatsoever. The simple fact of the matter is that washing dishes is not a "fun" task. For me, it does tend to be enjoyable, but fun and enjoyable don't mean the same thing in my book.

As I've written before, I tend to gravitate toward repetitive tasks. Since dish washing meets this criteria, I enjoyed the work I volunteered to do. When I finished, I felt a sense of accomplishment and I know that my work was valued by all the other volunteers who had spent their time cooking and serving.

I tried to explain what I meant to Ollie, but I don't think she got it. I'm afraid she went home thinking that my time was not pleasurable and that I won't volunteer next year. If this is her presumption, she's wrong. In fact, I told one of the other volunteers that, if she knew of other like events, I'm usually interested in volunteering to wash dishes.

So, there you have it. I washed dishes for over three hours. It was a very enjoyable experience -- but it wasn't a FUN experience.

*************************************

Addendum: It's the morning of the day after. As is usual, I can hardly move. So, today will be a down day.

People often ask me, "If you know doing this sort of stuff will render you lame and in pain the next day and beyond, why do it?" And the simple answer is why not? Since I have lots of down days anyway -- regardless of whether or not I engage in the above activities -- I might as well get out of the house and do something for someone else.

In other words, I can wash dishes at community events every week, just not on consecutive days or more than twice per week.

What's Really Remarkable

Each year around the holiday season the media likes to bring us stories of remarkable people and/or circumstances that are labeled as miracles. Many of these features tug at the 'ol heart strings, for sure. So, I don't want anyone to think that I'm dissing any particular storyline.

For me, though, I think they miss an important point, one that most of us take for granted -- Life itself is remarkable and a miracle!

It really doesn't matter what one does with their life. It doesn't matter if you're famous or obscure. It doesn't matter if you're a leader or a follower. It doesn't matter if you're the President of the United States or a person living in a vegetative state. It doesn't matter if you live 100 years or merely 1 minute. None of this matters.

What's remarkable is that any of us are. From the smallest of elements, we come to be.

This is the true miracle.

Chopping Wood

One of the great problems with poverty is, of course, the inability to purchase things -- even needed things. In order to keep our electric bill as low as possible this winter, we're keeping the thermostat very low and, in the evenings, heating the front room by using the fireplace.

Making a fire almost every night necessitates having a lot of wood to burn, possibly a cord or two for the entire season. Around here, a cord of seasoned wood sells for $120 - $150 and that's about $120 - $150 more than we can afford. So what to do?

I'm very fortunate that two of my neighbors had several of their dying trees cut down and neither wanted the wood. So, we were able to procure a tremendous amount of firewood for no money. In addition, as a result of last December's mighty storm, there are downed trees and limbs all over the forest behind our home -- more free wood.

Were it not for my fibromyalgia, all this free wood would be an utter bonanza! While it certainly is helping us to lessen our utility expenses, all of this wood needs to be cut and split. I am the designated cutter and splitter of the household.

So each dry day -- when I feel up to it -- I split wood. I can only do it though for about 60 minutes before my body gives out. Today offers a good example of what I'm referring to. I split wood for about 45 minutes, then stacked it in the basement. Once finished, I limped up our back steps and took a 4-hour nap!

In essence, a 60 minute workout means I'm done doing ANYTHING physical for the rest of the day -- sometimes far longer. It's really terrible being a middle-aged fellow who can barely do the necessary work to produce needed firewood.

But this is my path and I must accept it.

My $10 Million Ship Hath Come In

Generally, I immediately delete spam. However, the item below caused me to howl with uproarious laughter. What's even funnier is that -- somewhere out there -- some fool will take this seriously.

The United Nations Security Council, hereby receives your payment with reference number #.MAV/UNO/WBO/LM-05-371 amounting to US$10,625,000.00 Ten Million Six Hundred and Twenty Five Thousand United States Dollars This council was set up to fight against scam and fraudulent activities worldwide,

This important notice is to let you know that your payment is ready to be moved by Swift Bank Transfer,which will take about Five working days to get to your account or via diplomatic means of cash delivery . Please note that your payment will be processed and released to you as soon as you respond to this confidential letter by reconfirming the following details.

1. Your Full Name:
2. Home Address:
3. Phone, Fax and Mobile Number:
4. Company Name/Occupation:
5. Home Address:
6. Payment option,Bank Transfer/Cash delivery

Immediately the above details are received and validated, your payment will be processed within 48hours.

Yours Faithfully,
REV. FATHER PETER SMITH.
Director, Special Duties.

One of the Worst...

On the evening news was a report about a horrific fire east of Seattle that claimed the lives of two children. It got me to thinking about what kind of disaster would be the worst for people with Asperger's Syndrome (AS). While each person with AS is unique, I still bet most of us would not handle well a disaster that destroyed our homes -- fire, tornado, earthquake, tsunami, flood or hurricane.

For me, I think the worst of the lot would be fire. With all the others, I'd stand a much better chance of recovering some objects and, as I've reported in this space before, objects are of great importance to me. But a devastating fire could possibly incinerate every single object I hold dear!

As a pack rat, I have lots and lots of cherished objects. I've kept quite a few objects from my maternal grandparents -- furniture, books, clothing and many kitchen utensils. I have my collection of maps and oodles of books.

Actually, I don't even want to think about this possibility! Such an occurrence would mess me up for months or years. I'd be lost.

Much Ado About Nothing

Seems I misunderstood the directive -- a very common problem I have. I didn't visit a psychiatrist today; she was a psycholoGIST. I've generally had good experiences as a social worker with the "gists", so this put me much more at ease.

Of course, this is the quintessential problem with anxiety -- so often I get all worked up over nothing!! In my mind's eye, it has to be this way, though. I find that I react to different situations better if I worry about them ahead of time as opposed to not worrying about it and then facing a situation I'm not even slightly prepared for. Generally, when the latter occurs, my reaction is very similar to that of a deer caught in the headlights!

The interview still was interesting and a bit nerve-wracking. As someone who used to be a social worker, it's hard for me not to analyze what kind of response each question is looking for. Mind you, I'm not saying that I wanted to say what I thought she wanted to hear, but I always try to figure out the underlying purpose of each query.

Aside from talking about my various physical and psychological issues, the later portion of our 2-hour session focused on my ability to remember numbers (which I did so-so at) and my interpretation of words and parables.

One section dealt with the psychologist stating a word and then I was to offer its opposite. This was very easy, except when we got to the word, night. Initially, I said nothing. I then stated that I realized she would expect me to say "day", but I personally don't consider day as being the opposite of night. They are each one portion of what we commonly call a day. My wife later remarked that, as is my penchant, I was being too literal!

Another section dealt with the psychologist offering an axiom and for me to say what it means. The first one was "All that glitters is not gold." I said that this was another way of saying don't judge a book by its cover. The second one, however, stumped me -- Still waters run deep. I've never really understood that one and so I said nothing.

All in all, the experience was not as bad as I had expected or maybe it was and I just didn't realize it.