Many people suffer from loneliness. However, the one who belongs to himself and does not try to belong to the world is never lonely for he has himself and his place in the Tao. Human companionship is spotty at best. People change their minds, move away, or die. The Tao never does. It is always here. Those who make a friend of Tao are never without company for they can find it in everything. The Tao is in the sunlight and the shade, the mountains and the valleys.As an autistic person in a neurotypical world, I suffered from acute loneliness during my youth up until around the age 40 or so. I so badly wanted to part of a close-knit group -- people I could freely pal around with -- but every time I made the attempt to be more "social," it didn't turn out so well. I would feel the need to extricate myself quickly and return to my solitary existence.
~ from Roshi Hogan's Teachings Of The Tao ~
I suffered a lot of stress from this push-pull dynamic. In my self-imposed isolation, I felt left out and miserable. When I tried to allow myself to be welcomed into a group, I felt suffocated...and miserable. For many, many years, miserable was the best word to describe my feelings about life.
But one day I discovered what Roshi Hogan writes about above. I wasn't really alone after all; I had myself (and the "voices" too). Upon this realization, I went through a metamorphosis of sorts. I still stayed to myself most of the time, but I was no longer miserable. In fact, these days I would describe my inner self as contented.
I came to realize that I had allowed external criteria to impact the way I thought. Society tends to look down on loners -- there must be something wrong with a person who spends so much time alone! Humans are social animals and, as the thinking goes, we crave constant attention from others. If you aren't part of the "in-group," then you simply must work harder to mold yourself into an "in-group" type of person.
That wasn't me. Never has been and probably never will be. Once I accepted me as me, the loneliness evaporated into thin air. These days I spend a lot of time each day by myself and I'm more than okay with it!
Being at a party with people shouting and competing to be the most interesting last night was pretty exhausting for me. I would have loved to sit and have a real conversation with the few who were saying something interesting, but the shouting attention getters were taking up all the oxygen in the room.
ReplyDeleteI prefer my own company to people who think being louder means you're having more fun and are more interesting.
I'm an introverted person who spends a lot of time alone by choice, but never in my life have I ever felt lonely, nor have I ever had a problem being an introvert. I wouldn't want to be any other way, being fully content and at peace with my nature. Although ironically the more I attempt to keep to myself, the more others seem to gravitate to me. It's kind of strange, sort of a double edged sword, being an extremely introverted person who also tends to be a powerful people magnet. I find it to be very draining, which is why I don't go out much socially, and avoid the crowds as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteOn a related note to this post, I recommend for you a post of my own:
The Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness
Although my husband insists I am very gregarious (and compared to him I am) and I have lots of friends, my phone calls are mostly incoming, and lunch dates invariably initiated by the other person. On my recent China trip, I was constantly challenged to find time alone...some of my best moments...but that's not a very Chinese thing to do. (There really aren't that many hermits in China; the one I know has a constant stream of visitors.) I think the trick is being comfortable both with yourself, and with others. Balance. Being alone doesn't mean being lonely. The person who is dependent on others to define himself is as bereft as the wallflower.
ReplyDeleteFunny that we have all come together in this comment.
@CYM--That was a nice post you did.