We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway, yay
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasin' after some finer day
Anticipation, anticipation
Is makin' me late
Is keepin' me waitin'
~ from the song Anticipation by Carly Simon ~
As briefly discussed in the last verse posted of the Wen Tzu, what lands us in trouble time and time again is that our expectations and reality don't intersect very often. Whether we're referring to a major life event or some mundane aspect of our everyday lives, we go into almost every situation expecting certain things to transpire and, when they don't transpire the precise way we had envisioned, we react negatively, positively or both.
One easy example of this concerns both my wife and me. There are many rooms in our two-story house. Both of us have a penchant for attempting to talk to the other several rooms removed. My wife might be in her office and I'm in the kitchen or I'm in the laundry room and she's in her bedroom. One of us will say something to the other and the invariable response is "What?! I can't hear you!"
Since the person initiating the conversation can hear her or himself quite clearly, the expectation is that the other person will be able to hear the words just as clearly. Of course, this is entirely unrealistic as walls, animals, appliances, the TV or radio interfere with the movement of sound. While the person not talking is aware that the other is saying something (to be honest, I'm not always aware of this as I tend to be in my own little world half the time), the specific words and sentences cannot be made out.
So, the initiator reacts in a proscribed manner -- he or she gets irritated or annoyed because the other person can't make out what he or she is saying!
To offer another example, I was involved in third party politics for many years as a leader and chief organizer. The groups and organizations I was involved in held several state meetings per year and many such meetings involved the discussion or debate of contentious issues.
It seemed no matter how thoroughly I and the other organizers worked to create manageable time frames for discussions, these time frames always blew up in our faces. In the planning stage, we always tried to figure out what arguments would be raised and by whom, then we would allot time based on these expectations.
Of course, no matter how much time we spent on this endeavor, there were always points raised that we had never thought of and some by people we didn't think would attend. So, we'd slot a huge swath of time for a discussion that turned out not to be contentious at all and minimal time for issue that, in our view, was blown completely out of proportion!
And our typical reaction was exasperation!!
These are but two examples of millions upon millions of others. There are so many different variables in the world that it's next too impossible to account for all of them. This is why having expectations generally leads us to frustration. We base our expectations on those few variables that we're cognizant of and treat them as if they are the ONLY variables that matter.
However, it often turns out that the variables that we did not account for -- many of these are ones we were not aware of -- play the bigger roles in the situation. And this is why Lao Tzu suggests that we go into every situation with an open mind. When we are open to all possibilities, then there is nothing that can surprise us or thwart our conception of what is expected.
This post is part of a series. For an introduction, go here.
One easy example of this concerns both my wife and me. There are many rooms in our two-story house. Both of us have a penchant for attempting to talk to the other several rooms removed. My wife might be in her office and I'm in the kitchen or I'm in the laundry room and she's in her bedroom. One of us will say something to the other and the invariable response is "What?! I can't hear you!"
Since the person initiating the conversation can hear her or himself quite clearly, the expectation is that the other person will be able to hear the words just as clearly. Of course, this is entirely unrealistic as walls, animals, appliances, the TV or radio interfere with the movement of sound. While the person not talking is aware that the other is saying something (to be honest, I'm not always aware of this as I tend to be in my own little world half the time), the specific words and sentences cannot be made out.
So, the initiator reacts in a proscribed manner -- he or she gets irritated or annoyed because the other person can't make out what he or she is saying!
To offer another example, I was involved in third party politics for many years as a leader and chief organizer. The groups and organizations I was involved in held several state meetings per year and many such meetings involved the discussion or debate of contentious issues.
It seemed no matter how thoroughly I and the other organizers worked to create manageable time frames for discussions, these time frames always blew up in our faces. In the planning stage, we always tried to figure out what arguments would be raised and by whom, then we would allot time based on these expectations.
Of course, no matter how much time we spent on this endeavor, there were always points raised that we had never thought of and some by people we didn't think would attend. So, we'd slot a huge swath of time for a discussion that turned out not to be contentious at all and minimal time for issue that, in our view, was blown completely out of proportion!
And our typical reaction was exasperation!!
These are but two examples of millions upon millions of others. There are so many different variables in the world that it's next too impossible to account for all of them. This is why having expectations generally leads us to frustration. We base our expectations on those few variables that we're cognizant of and treat them as if they are the ONLY variables that matter.
However, it often turns out that the variables that we did not account for -- many of these are ones we were not aware of -- play the bigger roles in the situation. And this is why Lao Tzu suggests that we go into every situation with an open mind. When we are open to all possibilities, then there is nothing that can surprise us or thwart our conception of what is expected.
This post is part of a series. For an introduction, go here.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Comments are unmoderated, so you can write whatever you want.