I'm in one of those places in which I'm more acutely aware of my Asperger's self. While the warm temperatures of spring and approaching summer have led my neighbors to host back yard barbecues and informal confabs on the street, I continue to putter around in my own little world. It's not that I long to join in -- I wouldn't know what to say or do -- it just seems weird to have all this laughter around me and not understand the joke.
In a manner of speaking, it's hard for others to understand how socially isolated I am (by choice). There are many days in which I never leave the confines of the house and yard. On the days when I do venture out, it's for only 30 minutes or so. My "social" world centers around the library, grocery store, pharmacy and bakery.
There are many, many days in which the only other human I talk to is my wife. Sprinkled in, on other days, may be short conversations via phone with my brother, dad and one friend (Maryrose). I also have an odd neighbor who I talk to -- we're a strange pair! Most of my long conversations are with my animal friends, both those who reside here and throughout the neighborhood.
Lately, I haven't even been that conversant with my wife. I spend long hours upstairs alone. The other night I came upstairs about 7 p.m. and never went downstairs until the next morning!
During times like this I struggle with being a Taoist. It's hard to go with the flow when nothing around or within me seems to be flowing.
In a manner of speaking, it's hard for others to understand how socially isolated I am (by choice). There are many days in which I never leave the confines of the house and yard. On the days when I do venture out, it's for only 30 minutes or so. My "social" world centers around the library, grocery store, pharmacy and bakery.
There are many, many days in which the only other human I talk to is my wife. Sprinkled in, on other days, may be short conversations via phone with my brother, dad and one friend (Maryrose). I also have an odd neighbor who I talk to -- we're a strange pair! Most of my long conversations are with my animal friends, both those who reside here and throughout the neighborhood.
Lately, I haven't even been that conversant with my wife. I spend long hours upstairs alone. The other night I came upstairs about 7 p.m. and never went downstairs until the next morning!
During times like this I struggle with being a Taoist. It's hard to go with the flow when nothing around or within me seems to be flowing.
Hey RT?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're struggling. I know the feeling well... I know what it's like to feel like a misfit in this crazy world but - at the same time - (mostly) embracing the misfittedness of myself.
Hang in there. The flow is flowing even when we can't see or feel it. It's there... it doesn't need us to recognize it to keep flowing...
Peace.
Yeah, that's my life.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say that I think Val speaks wisdom here.
ReplyDeleteMiss you RT; hang in there.
Peace
I can relate to that. My parents tell me that I don't visit enough. I know that if I were to tell them, I just feel better saying at home and that it's a struggle to leave they'd take it personally.
ReplyDeleteI am winning my battle with going outside to walk the dog though :) we are now going for a couple walks a day and I am starting to feel more comfortable then I used to. It's a small victory but I'll take it ;)
I don't have much choice really, if I don't take him out, he doesn't let us sleep at night. So when he starts whining for attention I just grab the leash. He's not interested in playing with his toys anymore but he seems to really enjoy the walks and I know they're good for both of us. If he wasn't with me though, I wouldn't go, I feel it's easier if I feel I have to do it for him and I'm not alone.