A Quaint Bible Story

One of the great things about blogging is the links provided by people commenting. Over at Right To Think there has been a lot of humorous and colorful commentary about the post, "Of Ammonites and Moabites…". One of the links provided in the comments section is to a site and book entitled "Illustrated Stories from the Bible".

For the believer, the book borders on blasphemous. However, to the non-believer, it's downright hysterical! One of these days -- when we've got some extra money -- I'm going to have to purchase this book!!

Here's one of the stories (without the wonderful illustrations):

Stoned Out of his Mind
(from Numbers 15:32-36)
by Paul Farrell

This happened while the Israelites were camped in the wilderness. One morning a young Israelite man woke up after a good, restful sleep. He stretched and looked outside. It seemed like a pretty nice day, warm but with a light breeze. His family was going to make a special meal that evening, so he knew they would need wood for the fire. They hadn’t planned ahead very well and had run out the previous night. “Oh well,” he thought, “May as well get started right away." He dressed hurriedly and headed outside. Unfortunately, though, the young man had picked the wrong day to run out of wood.

He walked along whistling to himself trying to enjoy the work, thinking how much fun it would be getting together with the family that night. His brother was always teasing him but he knew it was all in good fun. “Oh there’s a good one,” he thought bending down to pick up a thin stick that would be good for kindling.

After a couple of hours he decided he’d gathered a good bundle, so he headed back to the camp. But he hadn’t realized that several people had been watching him. As he neared them, he could see they were all scowling in a very condescending manner. He ignored them and walked straight passed, but suddenly one of them pointed to him and yelled, "stop!"

“What do you think you’re doing?” he said sternly.

“I was just picking up sticks to keep us warm tonight and so we can cook a special meal,” the young man replied.

“But this is the Sabbath,” one of the other men said indignantly.

The young man broke down sobbing. “I know but we ran out last night,” he pleaded. “It was my fault. I forgot to save enough for today. Please don’t be angry with me?”

“Too late,” the leader of the group said. Then, in a very angry tone he yelled, “seize him!”

They grabbed the man roughly and took him back to the camp to see Moses. When they got there, they told Moses what had happened, but Moses wasn't sure what to do with the man. He said he would have to ask God about it.

So Moses went before Yahweh and asked him what kind of punishment would be appropriate for the man who had picked up sticks. And Yahweh spoke to Moses and said, “You must take this man outside of the camp and have him stoned to death.”

“Righto!” said Moses obediently. “Will do.”

The young man hadn't quite heard Yahweh so he turned to his captors and whispered, “What did God say? Restore his new desk?”

“No." One of his captors whispered back, enunciating more clearly. "He said, stone him to death."

“WHAT!!??” the man yelped. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

“No, I’m not kidding you. Now get moving,” said the man holding his arm.

So his accusers dragged the man outside the camp. He was a bit of a handful because by now he was screaming and trying frantically to get away. He kept yelling things like, “There must be some mistake!” and, “This is insane!” but to no avail. God had spoken and the people weren’t about to go against the word of Yahweh. So they stripped him to the waist and tied his hands to a pole.

The news spread quickly throughout the camp and soon word reached his own family.

They were devastated and his mother ran frantically to see what had happened to her son. When she reached the edge of the camp, she could see the lonely figure tied up to the poll. As she approached, he turned towards her. He could see how sad she was and that her mouth was trembling. "How could this have happened?" she said, wiping her tears as they ran down her cheek. They both looked into each other's eyes. "I'm so sorry, Mom" he whispered. "Remember, I love you."

But things were moving rapidly and the man who had picked up sticks could hear the sound of people gathering round him. He pulled hard against the chains trying to see if there was any way of getting free, but they were very solid. He squirmed and winced as he saw people scouring the ground for the right size stones.

They couldn’t be too big because he would die too quickly. But then again, they had to be big enough to cause cuts, abrasions, and contusions all over the face and head. Soon the people who had come, had gathered enough stones and the signal was given.

There was the sound of whizzing as a couple of stones passed his head narrowly missing, and then bang! A stone hit him on the temple. He could feel the blood trickling down his face as another hit him on the cheek. In a split second he was being pummeled from all angles.

He could feel his face and head swelling tremendously and felt intense pressure inside. The pain was excruciating and he was becoming slowly more and more disorientated. The blood was now pouring from his head. His whole upper body was red and the clothes around his waist were soaking soaked in warm blood. The pain was incredible and he just wanted it to be over, but he could still feel the rocks banging away at his raw, mangled face.

The pounding continued for what seemed like an eternity but eventually the man's body started to give out and he slipped into unconsciousness. He fell back against the poll and his limp body slid down to the ground in a mangled heap.

One of the men who had initially accused him of picking up the sticks came over to examine him. He grabbed him by the hair and pulled his head back to see if there was any flicker of life left in him. He could barely recognize his face anymore. As he looked closer he could see the man was certainly dead. It was over. The camp was safe from anyone who thought he might pick up sticks on the wrong day.