While the film A Beautiful Mind won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 2002, I didn't happen to get around to seeing it until last night on TV. The movie is a loose adaptation of the life of the great mathematician John Nash and his battle with paranoid schizophrenia.
I wish I had done almost anything else last night EXCEPT watch the film. It has left me feeling very discombobulated. You see, I can identify with many of the emotional nightmares depicted. In my late teens and 20s, I struggled mightily to cope with the realities of life. I dealt with obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, excessive mood swings and extreme introversion.
My problem is not schizophrenia; it's Klinefelter Syndrome (KS). Unlike most males, I have an additional chromosome in my genetic make-up -- XXY. This extra X has wreaked a lot of havoc in my life.
While it's certainly true that not every XXY male will develop KS, I certainly have! Unfortunately, it wasn't uncovered until I was in my early 30s. Had it been discovered earlier -- in most males its diagnosed by the beginning of puberty -- testosterone replacement therapy (TRP) would have started at an earlier point and I probably would have avoided the hell of my 20s.
Be that as it may, TRP has made a world of difference in my life. It's almost like I've lived two different lives in one lifetime -- before TRP and after. Friends and family who knew me more in my pre-TRP days generally are surprised when they meet the more confident and less passive TRP me.
Yet, despite the significant differences between these two people, I still suffer from the same symptoms. Like Nash, however, I've learned not to listen to the "voices" (though, for me, I suffer more from disassociated emotional impulses than auditory hallucinations). It's a constant battle not to allow them to take hold, but the TRP me has more weapons to keep them at bay.
Like I said, I really wish I hadn't watched THAT movie. It landed way too close to the heart.
I wish I had done almost anything else last night EXCEPT watch the film. It has left me feeling very discombobulated. You see, I can identify with many of the emotional nightmares depicted. In my late teens and 20s, I struggled mightily to cope with the realities of life. I dealt with obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, excessive mood swings and extreme introversion.
My problem is not schizophrenia; it's Klinefelter Syndrome (KS). Unlike most males, I have an additional chromosome in my genetic make-up -- XXY. This extra X has wreaked a lot of havoc in my life.
While it's certainly true that not every XXY male will develop KS, I certainly have! Unfortunately, it wasn't uncovered until I was in my early 30s. Had it been discovered earlier -- in most males its diagnosed by the beginning of puberty -- testosterone replacement therapy (TRP) would have started at an earlier point and I probably would have avoided the hell of my 20s.
Be that as it may, TRP has made a world of difference in my life. It's almost like I've lived two different lives in one lifetime -- before TRP and after. Friends and family who knew me more in my pre-TRP days generally are surprised when they meet the more confident and less passive TRP me.
Yet, despite the significant differences between these two people, I still suffer from the same symptoms. Like Nash, however, I've learned not to listen to the "voices" (though, for me, I suffer more from disassociated emotional impulses than auditory hallucinations). It's a constant battle not to allow them to take hold, but the TRP me has more weapons to keep them at bay.
Like I said, I really wish I hadn't watched THAT movie. It landed way too close to the heart.
Interesting post. I'd never heard of KS before, but I appreciate your writing about it.
ReplyDeleteHi Trey Smith,
ReplyDeleteI son's biological father was a paranoid schizophrenic (we never married). What a brilliant but lost person. Dealing with his disease at the tender age of 22 almost pushed me over the edge. My son does not show any signs. I am very challenged with what has been diagnosed "bi-polar" but have found that diet, yoga and keeping stress down make it manageable. I think I will post something soon about mental illness as I've been talking about it a lot with my yoga students. How anyone's mental illness is everyone's mental illness and how it is hard to determine who is "ill" when we live in such a dispirited culture.
Wanted to tell you that your brilliance which I detect in your comments on my blog site and from reading your blog site, come from you having suffered while growing up. I'm glad you are who you are.
JC
yoga loft
JC,
ReplyDeleteI'm often amazed how so many people talk about wanting to live their lives (or portions thereof) over again. It's as if they desire to repudiate parts of their experience. While I'm certainly not immune to the desire to wish I didn't face so many physical frailties, these anatomical imperfections are part of who I am.
I live a life with no regrets. Yes, there have certainly been times that it would have been nice if I had made different choices, but I don't regret them. All my past positives and negatives have brought me to my present and form the foundation of my tomorrow.