A Message from God

Washington, D.C. (AP) Today, in a celestial press conference, God said he was greatly alarmed by the controversy over Intelligent Design. He announced he has just hired a lobbyist, a PR person and, most importantly, a darn good lawyer. "I just want to make one thing perfectly clear," he boomed. "I've been misquoted."

Here is God's statement released to the press:

There are a bunch of my supposed followers (I'm making a list -- I know WHO you are!) who are running around America claiming that the universe, in general, and humankind, in specific, is so complex that only I could have created it all. While I am very pleased and think I should get a pat on the back for creating the universe, have you seen the shape of humanity? It's not the kind of thing I want on my resume, thank you.

To be quite candid, I'm not sure at all where people come from. Back in the beginning, I had no plans whatsoever to put human beings anywhere in the universe because I knew they would undo all of my fine handiwork.

I had just finished putting the finishing touches on the cosmos, when I had to take care of some personal business, and I look around and SOMEBODY dropped these two people onto planet earth. I considered simply erasing them, but they started worshipping me and you can't really rub out something that worships you, right? So, against my better judgment, I let them stay.

Talk about stupid decisions! People have made my life a living hell! If it's not one thing, it's always something else. You know, beavers, rocks and flowers give me no headaches at all, but people make me want to stick my head in the toilet.

Now, I know some of my most rabid so-called followers will insist that this message isn't coming from me --it's just Satan impersonating me. Well, for those such idiots, I've got something for you to chew on: Since I'm omnipotent and the smartest guy around, why would I have put an appendix in the human body?

The appendix serves no biological purpose whatsoever. It just sits there, waiting to become infected. Your heart pumps blood. Your liver produces bile. Your lungs breath. Your brain...well, let's skip that one. Your stomach digests food.

But what does your appendix do? NOT a damn thing.

Why on earth do you think a being as smart as I am would put a nonfunctional organ in your body? Was I just bored? Do you think I had a bunch of loose items sitting on a table -- horns, scales, tails, appendix, humps, fins -- and I just said to myself, "Hmm. I think I'll throw in an appendix"?

In closing, if someone tells you they support this kooky theory of Intelligent Design and they're advocating it on MY account, it's not true. Don't believe them. I readily admit that I created the universe, but somebody else created you hideous beings.

If you have any questions, contact my lawyer.