A friend of mine is trying to deal with an unhappy and unsatisfactory marriage. For months now, she's tried to wear a good game face. She talks about future plans and all the wonderful things she and her husband will accomplish. But underneath her public smile is a woman beset with anger, frustration and doubt.
Last night she finally admitted to me (and probably herself!) that there is little love in this relationship. Her husband has many unresolved personal problems and, instead of trying to deal with them head on, he attempts to exorcise his angst by calling my friend names and constantly belittling her.
He tells her she's fat and ugly -- She isn't, far from it. He tells her she's lazy and good for nothing -- She's a hard and dedicated worker. He tells her she's stupid -- She is, in fact, extremely bright.
More often than not, she doesn't fight back, instead she internalizes her hurt feelings. Of course, hurt feelings have a way of working their way out. In her case, she has found herself lately being very sharp with her two young children.
She realizes that the kids are bearing the brunt of her continued frustrations. This makes her feel guilty and then she starts thinking, "Maybe my husband's right".
My advice to her is to believe in herself, her worth and her loving demeanor. If each of us can learn to value ourselves as individuals, we will be a lot less willing to put up with this kind of abuse or worse.
I realize a lot of people view divorce as always a bad thing, but, in my humble opinion, divorce is a far better option than allowing yourself to be subjected to a life of unhappiness.
When children are involved, I think getting away from a bad relationship is even MORE important. Children soak in the atmosphere of the family. If the husband is cruel to his wife, the children soon learn not to respect mom or women, in general. Sons often grow into a carbon copy of dad and daughters often marry men who will abuse them.
This is what is meant by breaking the cycle of violence and yes, emotional cruelty is one such form.
While I certainly agree that each of us must take great care when entering into long term relationships, sometimes things just don't go as planned. When this occurs, my advice is always the same -- Don't settle for unhappiness.
Last night she finally admitted to me (and probably herself!) that there is little love in this relationship. Her husband has many unresolved personal problems and, instead of trying to deal with them head on, he attempts to exorcise his angst by calling my friend names and constantly belittling her.
He tells her she's fat and ugly -- She isn't, far from it. He tells her she's lazy and good for nothing -- She's a hard and dedicated worker. He tells her she's stupid -- She is, in fact, extremely bright.
More often than not, she doesn't fight back, instead she internalizes her hurt feelings. Of course, hurt feelings have a way of working their way out. In her case, she has found herself lately being very sharp with her two young children.
She realizes that the kids are bearing the brunt of her continued frustrations. This makes her feel guilty and then she starts thinking, "Maybe my husband's right".
My advice to her is to believe in herself, her worth and her loving demeanor. If each of us can learn to value ourselves as individuals, we will be a lot less willing to put up with this kind of abuse or worse.
I realize a lot of people view divorce as always a bad thing, but, in my humble opinion, divorce is a far better option than allowing yourself to be subjected to a life of unhappiness.
When children are involved, I think getting away from a bad relationship is even MORE important. Children soak in the atmosphere of the family. If the husband is cruel to his wife, the children soon learn not to respect mom or women, in general. Sons often grow into a carbon copy of dad and daughters often marry men who will abuse them.
This is what is meant by breaking the cycle of violence and yes, emotional cruelty is one such form.
While I certainly agree that each of us must take great care when entering into long term relationships, sometimes things just don't go as planned. When this occurs, my advice is always the same -- Don't settle for unhappiness.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Comments are unmoderated, so you can write whatever you want.