Monday, April 1, 2013

News Flash: Dems and GOP Finalize Federal Budget

Washington DC (AP) - In a joint news conference today, Rep. John Boehner and President Barack Obama said that the impasse on the federal budget has been resolved. After looking at a variety of objective statistics as well as talking to average voters, the two leaders realized that their parties had been going about the budget process all wrong.

"The first thing we realized," said Boehner, "is that the effective tax rate on corporations and the wealthy is way, way too low. So, we doubled it." He said that, in addition to increasing tax rates for those who earn $250,000 and above, thousands of tax loopholes have been eliminated.

For his part, the President said he discovered that his administration has been spending an astronomical amount on the CIA and Defense Department. "Rep. Boehner and I agreed that the War on Terror has come to an end," the president remarked. "We need to slash our military budget in order to reinvest in education, job training and this nation's infrastructure."

Both leaders emphasized that not only will Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security not be pared back, but all three of these programs needed to be expanded. With all this new found camaraderie, Boehner even went as far as to say that "it might be time to institute universal healthcare."

Both men also stated that they were working together to craft legislation to revoke most aspects of the Patriot Act. "We certainly don't want the United States to turn into a police state," the president declared.

In a related story, President Obama ordered Bradley Manning released from prison, so that Manning can be honored with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

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